'I am the Walrus'

In "High Fidelity," Nick Hornby wrote, "what really matters is what you like, not what you are like." Things like books, movies and food may seem trivial now, but they'll drive you mad when you're arguing in the car with your new boyfriend or girlfriend about where to eat and what movie to see, all the while being bombarded by the sounds of the Insane Clown Posse -- which you have recently discovered is your mate's favorite band.\nOuch.\nOn the flipside, everything is really grand when you discover you both love "The Royal Tenenbaums," eating seafood, and watching "Pardon the Interruption." It's an inexplicable joy that cues you into the fact that you've truly clicked with someone.\nTo aid in this neo-consumerist process of courtship, I usually ask the question, "Who is your favorite Beatle?" At first, it was just a casual lark that was cutesy and fun, but over the years, it's become a bit of a discipline. I'd even wager to say it's about 80 percent accurate in terms of getting a pretty good idea about who the person sitting across from me truly is, whether they be a John, George, Ringo or Paul.\nMe? I'm a John. Johns like to act like pessimists, but they are secretly optimists. They side with the rebels and aren't afraid to wear their hearts on their sleeves. They can be brutally honest (which can get them into trouble) and have a strong sense of humor that is obvious, but not overstated. They pay attention to their style, but in that faux-careless sort of way, where they seem to effortlessly choose what they wear, read and listen to -- but underneath, they are just as meticulous and obsessive-compulsive as Jack Nicholson in "As Good As It Gets."\nA George is creative, spunky and warm. They are the dark horses who bide their time by sitting back and letting their friends bask in the spotlight, occasionally giving us glimpses into their true star potential. Their subtle mystique is part of their charm for they can be a bit shy at times, but once a George gets comfortable, he or she becomes your best friend and is always loyal. If you have the pleasure of getting a George drunk, he or she will entertain you for hours with his or her uninhibited lust for life by dancing on furniture and making someone go out and get two more kegs.\nRingos always root for the underdog. They understand and are always the ones holding your hair back, but sadly their rewards are usually understated. There's a good chance a Ringo is usually the only Ringo in a pack of Johns, Georges and\or Pauls, but they have the most common sense out of all of them. Ringos seldom forget birthdays or anniversaries either … especially the really weird ones like the two-year anniversary of "the first time we threw a TV out the window" or the seven-year anniversary of "the time that one kid shot himself in the foot with a B.B. gun."\nAnd finally, there are Pauls. As a John, I'm a bit biased because while Johns and Pauls can co-exist, they usually end up fighting for supremacy. Pauls are intelligent, fun and have an obvious sense of humor. They are overtly positive, sometimes to the point that it makes people sick, but they mean well and their kindness usually only irritates the Johns. Pauls have lots of friends -- and rightfully so, for they all just want everyone to live in a yellow submarine.\nSo next time you're at the bars, forego the "what's your major" and "I like your shoes" bullshit and use some Beatlology. It may not be down to a science just yet, but then again, I'm not a scientist.\nI'm just a walrus.