First annual hate-mail challenge

Columnists live for controversy. It's our raison d'être. Contrary to general human nature, we want to be despised. Perhaps not to the extent of having to duck thrown knives or finding severed sheep's heads on our doorsteps, but at least to the degree that people find themselves fuming over our columns every week. And, given our inability to make people cancel their subscriptions to the IDS in disgust, the only way we can know we're truly effective is through angry letters to the editor.\nI've been writing for this paper for 10 months now and do you know how many angry letters I've gotten? One. And it wasn't very angry. This is unacceptable. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I haven't motivated you enough. The sad fact is that many of today's great fiery debates have been played out to the point of cliché. I find them uninspiring, and I suspect you might as well. How often do you hear that a news program is staging a debate between Democratic operatives and Republican operatives, or between pro-choice supporters and pro-life supporters, or between those who think Ralph Nader is a egomaniac and those who think he's a narcissist -- and think to yourself: "why bother listening, I already know what they're going to say?"\nExactly. So, I've devised a prompt that should spur anyone to action. Ready? \nHere goes:\n"I hate you. In fact, I hate any and all groups to which you belong and/or have sympathies -- be they political, economic, racial, ethnic, religious, sexual, academic, geographic or 'other.' Especially 'other.' Especially if 'other' involves pantomime. I am against everything you believe in, whatever it is. I support government policies that unfairly disadvantage you relative to other people, and I would vote against your preferred candidate for any elective office, even if they were running unopposed. If we were living in the Middle Ages, I would eat your crops and burn your house down. Unless you were growing lima beans. Then I would eat your house and burn your crops down. So there. What're you gonna do about it?"\nOK, now that the motivation is taken care of, it's time to address the other thing that might keep you from writing in. That is, you might be a lazy sod. Or perhaps you just don't know how to write a letter to the editor -- although this doesn't seem to stop anyone else. In either case, here is a pre-written letter for you using the familiar "Mad Libs" format. All you have to do is copy it, insert your choices for the parentheses, and send it to the IDS. As a matter of fact, if you go to the Web site, you can just cut-and-paste it into e-mail. It follows below:\n"As a long-time reader of the IDS, I was (verbed) and (other verbed) by McFillen's column from Feb. 23. How you could allow such a blatant (epithet) to spew such (noun you wouldn't want on your carpet), I will never understand. I have always suspected the presence of a(n) (adjective) bias in your (choose one: newspaper, rag, birdcage lining), and now am convinced. You should (verb) him immediately and send him on a (noun) to (a place), where the natives would stuff (nouns) in his (orifice) until he (verbs). I will never read the opinion page again. Instead, I will only pick up the IDS to read "The Adventures of Skully" or "Blender Kitty" because I am a (noun) who sits around getting high off of (verbing) a (household chemical or small reptile)."\nNow -- you have the motivation. You have the letter. You have no excuse. Go to it.