That not-so-freshman feeling

Preparing for college is incredible work. You have to shuffle your classes into a manageable schedule, shuffle your belongings into an absurdly small space, shuffle your finances to accommodate little dry erase boards and Nalgene water bottles. Yet no amount of planning can alleviate every fear. What if you don't make friends? What if your professors aren't fair? Or worst of all, ladies, what if the odor radiating from the center of your back-to-school jeans is something less desirable than fantasy gardenia or salty beach breeze? \nLuckily, freshman girls no longer have to tackle the latter issue alone. Instead of just Listerine and pizza coupons, female dorm residents found an extra little bonus in their gender-specific welcome kit this year. There, nestled among the packets of peanuts and sunflower seeds, was a complimentary can of feminine deodorant spray. \nJust what a girl needs to feel at home. \nI wasn't aware of a new female odor epidemic raging among college women, but if it exists I'm glad we're addressing the problem. An unfresh girl who feels frightened and alone is likely to get scared and pass it on to others. The results would be devastating, as feminine hygiene is most certainly the backbone of a good education. \nArmed with FDS, though, today's student can make the most of her time at school. She can stride confidently into her classrooms. She can boast "I even wash my self-cleansing body parts" to show what kind of overachiever she is. But more importantly, it will benefit her social life. A girl can't go to a party knowing what dirty secret might be revealed with one short unzip. She's only got four short years to snag a husband. Fortunately, warm smiles and pleasant-smelling panties are the key to every man's heart. \nThe feminine hygiene revolution has already gone national. I'd like to claim that the IU administration was behind this important movement, but the heroes at The College Kit™ (www.collegekit.com) actually distribute those goodie-filled stadium cups to campuses all over the country. They solicit companies to promote their products by sponsoring samples in College Kits, and promise in return to deliver them to the freshest crop of consumers around. \n "With freshmen and sophomores comprising the majority of the dormitory audience," their Web site says, "your product is put before students who are making product purchases for the first time and developing brand loyalties that last a lifetime."\n You hear that, girls? Sweet 'n sniffable thighs for the rest of your life. Sure, the folks at WebMD and the American Academy of Family Physicians suggest that you'd also be contracting a lifetime of yeast, kidney and urinary tract infections due to the disturbance to your natural pH balances, but just consider it one of those "pain is beauty" moments. \n Peeing fire is a small price to pay for feeling pretty.\nAdmittedly, the cleaner crotch crusade is not without some opposition. The radical staff at Willkie removed the FDS before distributing their College Kits. The conscientious gals at Collins warned girls not to use the FDS as they handed it out. But pay no attention to these extremists. Their self-serving propaganda is designed to rob you of your vaginal happiness so that they can reap it all for themselves. \nPutting on a fresh face to meet the world just doesn't cut it anymore. In college, a successful woman freshens as many body parts as she can. You and FDS can make it happen.