If I ruled the airwaves: TV fights

I was reading some news reports yesterday and saw that the FOX Network is planning to stage a real boxing match between Tonya Harding, the figure skater famous for her attack on Nancy Kerrigan, and Amy Fisher, the jealous teenage sex queen who shot her lover's wife in the jaw. This got me to thinking -- what kind of fight would I like to see? Though this program will be a much worse TV program than "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire," I figure, if we want stupid TV, then why not go for broke and make it really insane? So here are my choices for some insane fights:\nMyles Brand vs. Bob Knight\nThis would be the fight to end all fights. Knight with his hardcore style of play, and Brand with his insatiable quest for excellence would make a terrific three-round bout. Just watch for flying chairs, choke holds and flying textbooks.\nGeorge W. Bush vs. Osama bin Laden\nTake the battle away from innocent Afghani bystanders and put it in the ring. This fight would also give innocent Muslim believers a chance to voice their discontent for the way bin Laden has been screwing with their religion. We'll let each of them have a lick on bin Laden before the match starts. \nMike Tyson vs. Anybody\nIn reality, this wouldn't really be a fight. Instead, it would just be another entertaining spectacle for the degrading mental capacity of Mike Tyson. Oddsmakers would not wager on him winning or losing, but on which human appendage he would nibble on first.\nMike Davis vs. NCAA officiating crews\nDavis wins hands down.\nTina Turner vs. Ike Turner\nI know we've all seen this one before, but for TV, this would be a big seller. After this one, we'll really see who would roll down the river after the match. However, a more interesting match-up could be imagined in Mike Tyson vs. Ike Turner. Maybe it could be set up so that Tyson could challenge the winner of the Tina vs. Ike match. Ike against Mike. The bite against the pimp slap. Ratings go through the roof!\nKenneth Lay vs. Dick Cheney\nIn matters of corporate and political secrecy, they are on the same team. But throw those two in the ring, and the fight won't be to see who knocks the other out. Instead it will be to see which man can fix the fight results faster. This will be the only boxing match in history where both men win by a unanimous judges' decision.\nThe Russian Skating Pair vs. the Canadian Skating Pair\nNow we'll really see who deserves that gold medal!\nShaquille O'Neal vs. every other player in the NBA\nThis would not be much of a contest. After mowing down Dikembe Mutombo in last year's playoffs and nearly sending Brad Miller through years of physical therapy, Shaq has proven that he can take anybody. So let's give him everybody, and see how long the rest of the league stands up.\nThe entire population of Lichtenstein vs. the 'Axis of Evil'\nI know this makes no sense, but I had to get the famous 'axis of evil' in here somewhere. And Lichtenstein just sounds funny, which makes the idea of an "axis of evil" even more laughable.