Even Osama needs PR help

Dear Mr. bin Laden,\nAlthough Thomas E. Ricks of The Washington Post (Feb. 25) reports that you might still be alive and kicking in the rugged territory between Afghanistan and Pakistan, you seem like a distant memory over here in the states. I wonder if they're still selling Osama voo-doo dolls in Times Square.\nI thought about buying one of the dolls, but to be honest, they were pretty kitsch. Osama, you have got to work on product design. Who's your agent? Let me send him the contact information of the people who created the Slobodan Milosevic lunch-box line. Those lunch-boxes were classy, and they appealed to a broad demographic range.\nThe truth is, Osama, your name recognition has gone down the tube. Americans have a short memory, and not even the World Trade Center fires were hot enough to sear your image into the conscience of the greater public. Here's a transcript from a focus group interview I conducted recently.\nModerator: "So, what comes to mind when I mention the name Osama bin Laden?"\nParticipant 1: "Osama bin Laden…isn't he the CEO of Enron?"\nParticipant 2: "No, you dope. He's one those Canadian figure skaters."\nParticipant 3: "You're both wrong. He's the guy in Georgia who threw all of those bodies in his back yard instead of cremating them. He owned the bin Laden Family Crematory."\nModerator (slightly uncomfortable): "Well, that's a bit closer."\nParticipant 4: "Osama bin Laden…Isn't he the president of Iraq?"\nOsama, let me tell you, Saddam is stealing your spotlight. Al Qaeda isn't even part of the axis of evil. Really, Osama, would a press release have been too much to ask for? At the very least, Americans want a book tour. Don't worry, we can a get a ghost writer for the book. That "rambling fanatic" style doesn't work too well in print. \nYou may not know this, Osama, but the big thing in America right now is bleach. Our college kids are walking around in jeans with ridiculous splashes of white on the thighs, and anyone who's anyone at all has started bleaching his teeth with a home whitening kit. Do you think we could work on getting your teeth capped? All that "rugged terrain" and "harsh weather" we keep hearing about hasn't been kind to your smile. And over here, it's all about the smile.\nAnd do you think we could get you into the office for a fitting? Those bleach-stained jeans are really going to say to people, "Look at me, I am trendy! I am the scourge of the free world!" But keep the headgear. It's very ethnic. Very in-your-face-Arab-extremist.\nAnd what about a Web site? And a cook book? Have you considered an interview with Barbara? Barbara Walters will net you a huge ratings score, but you've got to promise her some tears. \nI hope you're taking this seriously, Osama, because America really is forgetting all about you. What should have been a concentrated man hunt and a criminal investigation is turning into a world war with axis, allies and boundaries that are getting blurrier by the minute. We've got government officials targeting everybody from North Korea to radical environmental protection organizations. You've been demoted from leading man to bit player, and that's nothing to joke about. Have your people schedule a meeting with my people, and we'll see if we can get you on Leno. \nHey! It worked for Dick Cheney.