Brooding over brain cells

Talk about irony. In spite of my best efforts to ignore and/or forget that I am at least eight years older than 98 percent of the IU student body, the Age Gods keep devising new and inventive ways to smack me upside the head with geriatric reality. \nI was innocently strolling through the Indiana Memorial Union in search of a frozen yogurt fix when I happened to overhear the conversation of some people behind me. I missed the context, but what caught my attention was a girl who asserted (in an extraordinarily squeaky and irritating voice) "No, its true! Studies have shown that your brain starts to die at age 30. That's why it's so hard for people over 30 to learn new stuff! They have fewer brain cells!" \nMy first thought was, "Well! No wonder I'm stuck with a 'B' in molecular biology!" But then the gravity of the situation began to dawn on me. According to studies, and completely without my consent I might add, my brain began to die last March. Come to think of it, I did wake up with a headache the day after my birthday. That must have been it, the beginning of the end. It's all downhill from here. My brain will get smaller and smaller with each passing month until the inevitable conclusion. I'm apparently doomed to become a living dumb blonde joke. An "airhead" in not just metaphorical but also the literal sense. \nI can't help but brood over the brain cells I've already lost. Hopefully, I haven't lost any that control rhythm and coordination, because I certainly can't spare any of those. Just ask anyone who has seen me dance. I am also going to be sorry to lose the cells in the "sarcasm nucleus" of my brain. Although, admittedly, I am probably the only one who'll miss those bad boys. \nOf course, there are some parts of my brain that I won't really miss at all. Like the part that governs my taste in men, maybe? Those cells have evidently never worked properly, anyway. \nTo tell you the truth, I'd really like to get my hands on one of those studies that girl was referring to. Talk about the ultimate doctor's excuse! I'd submit a copy of it with every paper and exam. I think that should automatically qualify me for an extra five points on any curve. I can envision it all already:\n"Hey, I deserve an 'A' just for the effort. Remember, I have the smallest brain of anyone in the class!" Or, "Yes, Professor, I know you explained it all in lecture just last week, but I can't remember it now. That must be the area of my brain that died over the weekend. So sorry, but its simply a matter of cranial physiology, and not my fault, you understand." \nAll of this begs the inevitable question. What about all the people running around who are in their fifties and sixties, or even older? A huge proportion of the world's population must be running around with almost nothing inside their skulls. Frankly, I'm surprised that we don't hear more about this on the news. \nAnd consider this: All of those professors who evaluate your performance every semester have almost no brain left at all. I think I am going to try this argument the next time I disagree with a test score. The professor will almost certainly be older than I am, so I'm going to try to explain that I must be correct, since, technically, I'm the one with more brains. I'll let you know how it works.