Bab-O and anthrax

I got a notice in the mail today from the U.S. Postal Service. It warned me what to do should I get a suspect piece of mail, plus things to look for that would make a piece of mail "suspicious."\nAmong the tips they gave me were "It's marked with restrictive endorsements such as 'Personal' or 'Confidential.'" I have decided to personally include the endorsement "Invoice Enclosed" in this category, because, quite frankly, I am afraid to be exposed to my bills this month. \nAnother tip that they give when you receive a suspicious package: "Don't shake it, bump it or sniff it." Curse these people! They are trying to strip me of one of my favorite activities, mail-sniffing. When will the madness stop?\nAs you know if you've turned on the TV lately, the answer to that question is "never," as our nation is apparently about to be swept away by a terrible plague of anthrax. And everyone is buying the hype.\nI even had my own scare the other day. I walked into my bathroom, and noticed a white, powdery substance on the floor of the shower. Shocked, I picked up the phone and prepared to dial 911 -- not because I thought it was anthrax, but since I realized that it was Bab-O and this meant that my roommate was actually cleaning our bathroom. My only possible reaction was to nearly have a heart attack, and thus I almost made the call.\nIn all seriousness, one fact remains: almost nobody reading this has any real risk of contracting anthrax. Unless, of course, you are an important person. And by important I mean someone who makes laws in our country, or reports on those laws on behalf of a major media conglomerate. And if you're that important, someone opens your mail for you, anyway -- so it's secretaries, interns and postal workers who have the real risk of contracting anthrax.\nThere are solutions to the problem. We could always have secretaries and postal workers wear biohazard protection suits when they do their jobs. There are also drugs like Cipro to cure anthrax in the unlikely case of exposure.\nTo gauge how truly sad the situation is, look no further than your e-mail inbox. The other day I got a message stating "Viagra and Cipro Online Now!" Really. You can now take care of your erectile problems and your anthrax problems with one click of the mouse.\nThe easiest solution to these problems would be to simply ignore them, keeping the realization that the chances of the Hoosiers making a trip to the Micronpc.com Bowl are greater than your chances of contracting anthrax. More people live in Gnaw Bone, Ind., than have contracted anthrax in this country. \n Unfortunately, our government won't let it be that easy for us (must be that power trip that they're on). For instance, this week the FBI warned us that terrorists could strike here or abroad sometime in the near future. Except they didn't bother telling us when or where. Oh, those silly technicalities.\n Still, Attorney General John Ashcroft told Americans to "go about their lives." Which message are they trying to send? Both, of course, because that's what bureaucrats do best. There are no real answers, just more questions.\nWhere can we find these answers? I suggest the local taco joints. My friends went to a tacqueria recently and asked an employee what he thought of the "anthrax thing."\n"Yeah, I've heard a lot about them lately," he said, toying with his mullet in thought. "Are they comin' out with a new album or something?"\nIgnorance is bliss.