A humor columnist's weekend

It's 2:30 a.m. on Halloween and I'm sitting at my computer wearing khakis, an undershirt, a bathrobe and a tie around my head. Yes, I do need help.\nActually, I'm just being a good humor columnist. A humor columnist always needs to be busy. We'll take last weekend as an example.\nFriday, 5 p.m.: I'm at the International House watching some Malaysian students putting on what is quite possibly the best puppet show I have ever seen. It was like "Reading Rainbow" on Ecstasy. You could just see the shadows of the puppets, which made it look really cool and creepy, and it was filled with more innuendos than last year's presidential debates:\nGore: "And I promise to save the national parks while making sure there is enough wood for everybody."\nBush: (snickers)\nGore: "What is so funny?"\nBush: "Wood" (starts laughing out loud)\nGore: "I'm going to lose this thing, aren't I?"\nBush: "Wood" (laughs even harder)\nGore: (sighs)\n8 p.m.: I go to see "Clerks" at the Indiana Memorial Union with a big group. But the sound is so garbled, it sounds like two extremely large elephants are getting it on behind the movie screen. For some odd reason, that just totally distracted me from paying attention to the film. I believe we walked out after about five minutes of erotic pachyderm noises.\nSaturday, midnight: A friend from my floor takes me to a party in an attempt to cheer me up after my traumatic experience with the elephants. But he's not aware that we are headed to a costume party. So, I'm at this party in between Winnie the Pooh and Pocahontas dressed up as the idiot who didn't know he was going to a costume party. Classic.\n7 a.m.: I wake up after about four hours of sleep because my body has some kind of vendetta against me and does not permit me to sleep after the sun has risen. So, I do the only logical thing and drift in and out of sleep until 10 a.m. \nNoon: I decide to do something useful finally, and head to the Student Recreational Sports Center for some basketball. I get shown up by a guy half my size. That's like Verne Troyer beating up Shaq. Except neither of them are funny or should be allowed on television or in my columns. In fact, there should be laws. I hereby apologize for mentioning them.\n4:45 p.m.: On my way to Auer Hall to attend a guitar concert, I pass by someone who looks exactly like Garrett Matthews, a columnist for the Evansville Courier and person who I interned under for six months. Garrett is the only person who has ever threatened to kick me with Darth Vader steel-toed boots if I didn't get my assignment in on time. \n Hopefully, he's the last.\n 5 p.m.: Get to Auer Hall only to find out the concert has been cancelled. Classic.\n 8 p.m.: Arrive at the "Potpourri of Arts in the African American Tradition" a tad late, so I'm forced to sit on the floor of the Buskirk-Chumley Theatre. Halfway through the IU Soul Revue's rendition of "Money, Money, Money", I have a revelation. "I'm sitting on a theater floor listening to "Money, Money, Money." That was the revelation.\nSunday, midnight: I'm sitting in a lounge trying to explain my irrational behavior to a friend while wearing a tie wrapped around my head because I'm dressed to go to a costume party I never ended up going to as John Cusack from "Better Off Dead." This, my friends, is the life of a humor columnist.