History in the making

Who knew Florida would become the epicenter of this country's biggest election nightmare? Things like this are only supposed to happen in corruption-filled dens of iniquity such as Chicago, where dead people have been known to vote.\nBut instead, it's the sandy shores of the Sunshine State that are in the throes of electoral uncertainty, the likes of which haven't been seen in this country for more than 100 years. In fact, 124 years ago, Rutherford B. Hayes and Samuel Tilden were locked in a similar struggle for presidential power. The fact that most Americans probably can't remember who won gives us an idea of how far we've come since the two centrist candidates were locked in a post-election battle that lasted four months.\nFour months!\nOne would think the advent of computers, telephones, the automobile and, for heaven's sake, even the light bulb would have eliminated such problems from the electoral landscape. But no.\nQuick elections are a mirage produced by well-groomed television anchors and their puppeteers. Even though they tell us one candidate or another is the projected winner, that usually has nothing to do with real vote counts. Instead, they rely on surveys conducted as voters leave the polls.\nMost real vote counting doesn't happen until the days after the election, and can extend into the weeks after when absentee ballots are taken into account. Most of the time, this doesn't make much difference to the television announcers, because one candidate wins overwhelmingly enough that exit poles can accurately predict the result of the election -- such as when Ronald Reagan creamed Jimmy Carter and Walter Mondale. And when President Bill Clinton obliterated Bob Dole.\nHa ha! Not this time.\nAs I said last week, America hates its choices. That's why there's a razor-thin margin of victory, causing confusion that could linger for months. Consider this possibility: What if legal battles play out during the next four months, just as in 1876? We could inaugurate one candidate and then replace him with another. \nThis, my friends, is history in the making. When our grandchildren study Election 2000 in school, they will ask us what it was like.\nSo you can keep up with things, and know what to tell your grandchildren, here's a brief chronology of what's happened since last Tuesday:\nTuesday, Nov. 7:\nA weary America trudges to the polls, evenly divided between Texas Gov. George W. Bush and Vice President Al Gore.\nTuesday, Nov. 7, late night:\nCNN gives Florida to Gore. Then it takes it away. Then it gives it to Bush. Then, early Wednesday morning, it takes it away. It's kind of like if I tried to give my mom South Carolina for her birthday. Not really mine to give away, is it, CNN?\nWednesday, Nov. 8:\nHundreds of elderly Jewish women crawl out of the woodwork as they claim a faulty ballot duped them into voting for Reform party candidate Pat Buchanan instead of Gore. Imagine their emotional state: After living through global persecution, they had the chance to vote for Joey Lieberman. Now they think they've voted for a man who, in a New York Post column in 1990, said the reality of the Holocaust is at best debatable. These women, more than any cadre of campaign consultants, are Gore's greatest assets.\nThursday, Nov. 9:\nAfter months of watching the nation's most polished political figures smooth-talk their way through the campaign, we are treated to something else. With fear gripping my heart, I realize Bob Crawford, Florida commissioner of agriculture, has been appointed to the committee overseeing the election. The commissioner of agriculture?\nFriday, Nov. 10:\nAmerica wakes up to the fact the election hinges on a mere 327 … no, 288 … no, 368 votes. Well, it's some disgraceful number. Less than the cast and crew of "Happy Days."\nSaturday, Nov. 11:\nThe Bush campaign, which has been denouncing Gore's team for even thinking of taking the Palm Beach ballot to court, becomes the first campaign to file suit in federal court. It wants a judge to stop the hand counts Gore requested in four Florida counties. This move comes just in time for the Bush team, because the hand counting gives Gore a few dozen extra votes. Clinton and Reagan would have laughed at a few dozen votes. Bush is going to court.\nSunday, Nov. 12:\nPolitical columnists everywhere begin to weep, slowly realizing they will be writing about this race for the rest of their lives.