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(10/17/00 5:21am)
Dear Sexpert,\nMy girlfriend and I have been dating for more than a year, and we are deeply in love. Our sex life has been and continues to be wonderful. She can have an orgasm nearly every time we make love, but it is only a guarantee in the missionary position with a pillow under her butt. This gives me the angle to hit her G-spot. Is it too much to ask for multiple positions for her to achieve an orgasm through intercourse? (It's easy to do it manually.) Or should we just shut up and enjoy the magnificent sure thing?\nFishing for Positions\nDear Fishing,\nOh, you silly thing. You don't fix the same thing for dinner every night just because you know it's your favorite, do you? Even the best things in life start to get a little stale without some variety. That said, there are several things you can do to alleviate your "problem."\nFirst of all, you already mentioned that helping your girlfriend reach orgasm manually is easy. So why not try positions in which you can use your hands to stimulate her (or she can stimulate herself)? If you enter her from behind, either of you can use your hands to provide someclitoral stimulation. If she gets on top, try placing your thumb directly against her clitoris. Then, she'll still be able to move at her own speed, depth, and angle, and she can rub against your thumb at the same time. She could also try holding a small vibrator against her clitoris during intercourse.\nYou were wise to figure out that placing a pillow underneath her would change the angle of penetration enough to help her reach orgasm. I suggest you continue to experiment with strategically placed cushions. For example, you might find you can achieve similar results if your girlfriend lies flat on her stomach with a pillow beneath her hips, and you enter her from behind.\nThere are also no hard and fast rules (no pun intended) as to the chronological placement of the orgasm. You could make her come as many times as she wants to before you actually have intercourse with her. That's the beauty of foreplay. Or find a position you both enjoy, and if you have your orgasm before she has a chance to have hers, make her come through the use of manual stimulation after withdrawal.\nThen, of course, there's the more obvious solution. Just because you begin in one position doesn't mean you have to end there. Broaden the field a little. Move around, change positions, experiment. Then, when you're both ready, finish up in the position that is guaranteed to make you both reach orgasm. You get your fun with experimentation, she gets her orgasm, and everybody's happy.\nStill, I'd like to offer a gentle reminder that having an orgasm every single time is not the one and only measure of truly great sex. There is a tendency to believe that achieving orgasm is the ultimate goal of every sexual encounter, and I just don't think that's true. As you said, you're deeply in love, and the sex has always been great. So why complain if one or both of you doesn't reach orgasm every single time? This isn't a one shot, pass/fail deal here. When you're in a relationship as constant and loving as yours, the important thing is to focus on the intense emotional connection between you and the ability to use sex as a vehicle to communicate your feelings for each other. Once you realize that, suddenly, the singular orgasm doesn't seem quite so important.\nSend questions and comments to the Sexpert at jfinkel@indiana.edu.
(10/11/00 11:31pm)
Dear Sexpert,\nI'm gay and have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for a year and a half. We are looking to spice up our sex life a little and are considering trying a strap-on. We've done some searching on the Internet but there are so many different types to choose from. It's quite overwhelming. What do you suggest? Can you give us a little direction in our search? \nPacking Up\nDear Packing Up,\nFirst of all, congratulations on deciding to branch out and try something new. The first thing I suggest is that you experiment with regular old dildos, if you haven't already. That way, you can both have a chance to decide if you really like the feeling of penetration, and you can get a better idea of what size dildo you prefer.\nI should warn you that buying sex toys is like buying a car -- there's a whole range of prices, styles and options to consider. What you decide to buy depends on what kind of investment you want to make: Do you want to splurge on a top-of-the-line model with a lifetime guarantee, or do you just want something simple you can experiment with without dropping a lot of cash?\nWhen it comes to strap-ons, you have the option of buying a dildo and a harness separately, or purchasing them together as a set. If you're just starting out, you might prefer to go with the matching set; if you already have a dildo you're particularly fond of, you may opt to just buy the harness.\nHarnesses come in two styles. The single-strap has one central strap that runs between the legs like a G-string. The double-strap has two leg straps, with one going around each thigh. (Men usually prefer double-straps, because they provide more room underneath for the "real" genitals.) Both styles have a ring or panel with an opening in the front, through which you would insert a dildo with a flared base. The base of the dildo rests against your pubic bone. Usually, all the straps on harnesses are adjustable for maximum fit and comfort.\nIf you're buying the pieces separately, you'll also have to go through a selection process for the dildo. You can choose from just about any shape, size, style, material or color one could imagine. Many claim that silicone dildos are the best. They are hand-molded, have a soft-but-not-too-soft texture, and are easy to clean. But, their "superiority" is reflected in their price tags. Again, the style you choose should depend on how much you want to spend, as well as your personal preferences for texture, size, etc. Just make sure the style you choose has a flared base, so it won't fall out of the harness.\nOne alternative to the basic harness you might want to consider is the thigh harness, which allows you to strap a dildo onto your thigh. It may look a little weird, but it can allow you to experiment with different positions and possibilities for both partners to be stimulated simultaneously.\nHarnesses sold at adult bookstores are generally not as well made as those you could get from a specialty shop or a catalog. I strongly recommend that you visit Good Vibrations' Web site at www.goodvibes.com. They have a wide variety of styles, including the "Get Packing" kit, which includes a double-strap harness, a dildo and some lubricant. You can order directly off the Web, or request a catalog. Good Vibrations also offers useful tips on how to choose your ideal dildo and how to clean it. \nSend questions and comments to the Sexpert at jfinkel@indiana.edu.
(10/03/00 3:47am)
Dear Sexpert,\nI am in a relatively new relationship, and everything is going really well except for one thing. Whenever my girlfriend and I have sex, I always feel like I'm doing all the work. I try to drop subtle hints to get her to take a more active role, but she just doesn't seem to get it. What can I do? Does she have some kind of problem, or is she just really selfish in bed?\nSick of the Driver's Seat\nDear Driver's Seat,\nWhatever your new girlfriend's problem is, it probably doesn't extend too much beyond run-of-the-mill self-consciousness -- especially considering that this is still a pretty new relationship. In these kinds of situations, dropping subtle hints doesn't always do the trick.\nUsually, the best solution is the most direct. Avoid the possibility of confusion by being specific. For example, instead of trying to steer her head in one direction or another, just say, "It would be so great if you would (fill in the blank)." She'll probably be excited and relieved to know exactly what you want, without the added pressure of having to guess.\nIf making specific requests doesn't do the trick, then it's time to talk about it outside the bedroom. Ask her (in a respectful, nonconfrontational manner, of course) if she has any concerns or fears about being a more active lover. Don't make her feel pressured; give her the chance to open up to you. It could be that she does have a certain issue she's been embarrassed or ashamed to bring up on her own, and it's helpful to have you open the door for her.\nThere is also the possibility that she finds certain sex acts shameful or immoral for some reason. She might still have a bit of guilt leftover from her parental or religious upbringing. If that's the case, you don't want to push her into doing something she feels really uncomfortable with. It's important that you both respect each other's moral beliefs, even if it means the relationship won't be able to last. If you're not compatible, you're just not compatible.\nI doubt the problem is mere selfishness. Usually, even the most selfish lovers are appreciative at least enough to reciprocate. And if she were selfish, it would probably be apparent in other aspects of the relationship. It is possible that on some subconscious level, she wants to be "served" by you. But if the urge for that were very strong, she would probably tell you about it, and you could both engage in a little bit of role playing. Does she actually make demands, or does she just lie back while you take over? It really wouldn't be very fair for her to automatically cast you in that role without talking about it first.\nBut the bottom line is, you'll never know any of this unless you talk to her about it. I mean, you're not a mind reader, right? So stop trying to figure it out on your own. If she's nervous or self-conscious, maybe a good heart-to-heart with you with help alleviate some of her fears and unleash the tigress within. And if it's something else, well, maybe you'll find that out, too.\nThere's no point in suffering through mediocre sex throughout the whole relationship or even breaking up because you believe you are too sexually incompatible, when the problem basically comes down to a lack of communication. So talk about it, and give your girlfriend the chance to express the way she feels. If the problem continues after you've had a chance to talk about things, then you might need to reevaluate how important the sex is in the context of the relationship. \nSend questions and comments to the Sexpert at jfinkel@indiana.edu.
(09/26/00 4:43am)
Dear Sexpert,\nI'm really curious about genital piercings and how they can enhance sexual contact. My girlfriend and I are both considering going under the needle, but we are concerned about the risks involved and whether it will be worth it. What do you think?\nPricked with Curiosity\nDear Pricked,\n My strongest recommendation is that you get yourself to a professional piercing parlor and talk with them about the different types of genital piercings, and then decide which one would be best for you. This is definitely not a try-it-at-home-with-a-safety-pin-and-an-ice-cube kind of thing.\nAmong men, the most common piercings are the Prince Albert (a ring that goes through the underside of the glans and extends through the urethral opening) and the frenum, which goes side-to-side through the fleshy part just below the head on the underside of the penis. Some guys with frenum piercings wear rings that can swing up to encircle the head of the penis.\nIt is possible to have both these piercings at the same time. You can also have your scrotum pierced or get a barbell-style ring through the head of your penis, either vertically or horizontally.\nA certain piercer at Big Red's Genuine Tattoo Parlor is the proud owner of a Prince Albert, and he says his orgasms have vastly improved since being pierced. (He also insists that the actual piercing process is a lot less painful than one might expect.) But he does point out that his girlfriend has not noticed any phenomenal increase in the amount of stimulation she receives during vaginal intercourse, and even asks him to take it out before engaging in anal sex. The piercer at Skinquake, on the other hand, likens frenum and Prince Albert piercings to the ribs on a condom, saying they add an extra element of texture and stimulation during intercourse.\nAs for women, piercings through the inner or outer labia and the clitoral hood are the most common, and are said to provide extra stimulation during sex. Rings are generally worn with hood piercings so that the ball of the ring rests directly against the clitoris. Both the piercers I talked to warned against getting the clitoris itself pierced, as it is too sensitive and there can be too much scar tissue.\nNipple piercings are extremely popular with men and women, and have a reputation for greatly increasing the sensitivity of the nipples in both sexes. Big Red's piercer warns that this is the most painful area to get pierced -- especially for men, who have a lower threshold for pain.\nThe length of time required for piercings to heal varies from a few weeks to a couple of months. I strongly urge you to use condoms and dental dams during the entire healing process, as having sex with an open wound can not only leave you more prone to infection, but will put you in contact with more bodily fluids, greatly increasing your risk of contracting little unpleasantries.\nPiercers often say the procedure itself is not what poses the greatest risk -- it's usually a matter of whether or not the customer takes proper care of it during the healing process. So do your part and follow the instructions your piercer gives you. \nSend questions and comments to jfinkel@indiana.edu.
(09/19/00 10:13pm)
Dear Sexpert,\nMy boyfriend and I both take the anti-depressant drug Paxil. Even though we have sex frequently and are both very satisfied with the quality of our sex life, I have noticed that I am no longer able to have orgasms with my boyfriend. I have always been able to have orgasms in the past; this problem only began when I started taking Paxil. Will this side effect eventually wear off? What can I do about it?\nNot Depressed\nDear Not Depressed,\nPaxil, generically known as paroxetine, belongs to a "family" of anti-depressants known as "selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors" (SSRIs). Doctors believe SSRIs work by increasing the activity of the chemical messenger serotonin in the brain. \nThe makers of Paxil do say there are sexual side effects in some men and women who take the drug: decreased sex drive, impotence or "abnormal ejaculation" in men and anorgasmia in women. They also say that in most cases, these side effects tend to decrease over time. Paxil is sometimes prescribed to men who experience premature ejaculation.\nIf you have been taking Paxil for more than six months and have not noticed any change in your inability to have orgasms, you should talk to your doctor about altering your dose or perhaps switching you to a different anti-depressant. Wellbutrin, Effexor and Serzone belong to a different family of anti-depressants, and all of them have had lower reported incidences of sexual side effects. However, Paxil is the only anti-depressant that has been approved by the FDA to treat social anxiety disorder, so if that's the reason your doctor prescribed it for you, you might want to stick with it.\nWhen you talk to your doctor about this, be sure to mention any other medications ' prescription, over-the-counter or herbal ' you are taking in addition to Paxil. Many other medications, including birth control pills, Depo-Provera and anti-histamines, have a reputation for altering sex drives, and if you are using any of these in conjunction with Paxil, it could be compounding the effects. \nYou mention that you are unable to reach orgasm when you are with your boyfriend. Does that mean that you are able to have orgasms when you are by yourself? If so, that's a good sign. Experiment with the different techniques you use when you are by yourself, and try incorporating those when you are with your boyfriend.\nYou also mentioned that your boyfriend is also taking Paxil, but you didn't say if he is experiencing similar sexual difficulties. If he has been noticing a decrease in sex drive ' which often translates into a lack of enthusiasm about sex ' this could definitely be contributing to your inability to climax. \nIf you can find no other treatments that work for you, you have to prioritize. You said you are otherwise satisfied with the quality of your sex life, so if you cannot function without the aid of anti-depressants, you might just have to leave it at that. (Remember, it is possible to have great sex without orgasms.) But if the side effects of your medication are causing you a lot of stress within your relationship, it's not really helping you out that much after all. I know it seems unfair, but for now, you'll have to choose what you can more easily live without: orgasms or anti-depressants.\nSend questions and comments to the Sexpert at jfinkel@indiana.edu.
(09/13/00 8:35am)
Dear Sexpert,\nMy boyfriend really wants me to perform oral sex on him, but I am a little unsure of my technique, because I don't have a lot of experience. So my question is, what's the best way to give a blow job?\nLollipop\nDear Lollipop,\nAs with all questions of this variety, I have to preface this by saying that, of course, all men are different. Their bodies and their tastes for pleasure can vary widely from one guy to the next, so there is no one tried-and-true oral technique guaranteed to turn any guy into putty in your hands. But if you ask your partner for a little positive reinforcement, I'm sure he'd be more than happy to oblige.\nThat said, don't approach the guy's penis as though you're trying to find the fastest route to the soft, chewy center of a Tootsie Roll pop.\nThere's no need to rush things. Take time to explore the parts of his body that are normally hidden. The head of the penis is far more sensitive than the shaft, and this is important for many reasons. For one thing, some guys report that this area is too sensitive for direct stimulation, right off the bat. So begin gently: try to get a feel for how sensitive he is, and how much pressure he wants you to apply with your tongue or lips. He might prefer that you approach this area indirectly, with some gentle, teasing flickings of the tongue.\nMake sure to be careful around the oh-so-sensitive head. At the same time, don't worry about how much of your partner's penis you can actually take in your mouth. Like I said before, the shaft is not particularly sensitive, so there's really no need to risk gagging yourself in an attempt to pull off deep-throat.\nDon't take the use of your hands for granted. Many men like to have their testicles cradled or caressed (gently, please) in their partner's hand while having fellatio performed on them. You can also use your hand as a back-up for your mouth. If, for example, you feel you aren't\nable to produce enough pressure with your mouth alone, your hands can pick up some of the slack. You might also wish to allow your hands take over for a while if your jaw starts to get tired.\nThe best thing to do is to alternate your techniques. Switch from gentle tongue swirling to serious sucking to solo hand action. Very few men just lie passively while their partners work so hard to please them -- you'll probably be able to pick up pretty easily on whether or not he likes what you're doing. But one thing is for sure: Never, should your teeth be involved. Teeth and penises just don't mix.\nThen there's that other age-old blow job mystery: To spit or swallow? Well, neither. There's a wealth of new evidence that shows HIV can be transmitted through oral sex. That leaves you with one option: Condoms, condoms, condoms. By slipping on a condom, you can eliminate the whole spit-or-swallow issue all together. And you can choose from a myriad of tasty condoms.\nBut above all, communicate with your partner about his preferences. Ask him to tell you what feels good and what doesn't. If you're both operating on the same wavelength, your blow jobs don't have to suck.
(09/05/00 7:16am)
Dear Sexpert,\nThere's this guy I sleep with on a fairly regular basis. He's not really my boyfriend; it's more like we're both each other's last-call hook-up, if you know what I mean. Anyway, he once drunkenly confessed to me that he's a bed-wetter. I thought it was a little weird, but I really didn't care that much until I woke up one morning and discovered he had peed in my bed! Of course, he was really embarrassed and I was pretty disgusted, but now I don't know what to do about it. What's wrong with him?\nStuck in the wet spot