Sexpert

Dear Sexpert,\nI am in a relatively new relationship, and everything is going really well except for one thing. Whenever my girlfriend and I have sex, I always feel like I'm doing all the work. I try to drop subtle hints to get her to take a more active role, but she just doesn't seem to get it. What can I do? Does she have some kind of problem, or is she just really selfish in bed?\nSick of the Driver's Seat\nDear Driver's Seat,\nWhatever your new girlfriend's problem is, it probably doesn't extend too much beyond run-of-the-mill self-consciousness -- especially considering that this is still a pretty new relationship. In these kinds of situations, dropping subtle hints doesn't always do the trick.\nUsually, the best solution is the most direct. Avoid the possibility of confusion by being specific. For example, instead of trying to steer her head in one direction or another, just say, "It would be so great if you would (fill in the blank)." She'll probably be excited and relieved to know exactly what you want, without the added pressure of having to guess.\nIf making specific requests doesn't do the trick, then it's time to talk about it outside the bedroom. Ask her (in a respectful, nonconfrontational manner, of course) if she has any concerns or fears about being a more active lover. Don't make her feel pressured; give her the chance to open up to you. It could be that she does have a certain issue she's been embarrassed or ashamed to bring up on her own, and it's helpful to have you open the door for her.\nThere is also the possibility that she finds certain sex acts shameful or immoral for some reason. She might still have a bit of guilt leftover from her parental or religious upbringing. If that's the case, you don't want to push her into doing something she feels really uncomfortable with. It's important that you both respect each other's moral beliefs, even if it means the relationship won't be able to last. If you're not compatible, you're just not compatible.\nI doubt the problem is mere selfishness. Usually, even the most selfish lovers are appreciative at least enough to reciprocate. And if she were selfish, it would probably be apparent in other aspects of the relationship. It is possible that on some subconscious level, she wants to be "served" by you. But if the urge for that were very strong, she would probably tell you about it, and you could both engage in a little bit of role playing. Does she actually make demands, or does she just lie back while you take over? It really wouldn't be very fair for her to automatically cast you in that role without talking about it first.\nBut the bottom line is, you'll never know any of this unless you talk to her about it. I mean, you're not a mind reader, right? So stop trying to figure it out on your own. If she's nervous or self-conscious, maybe a good heart-to-heart with you with help alleviate some of her fears and unleash the tigress within. And if it's something else, well, maybe you'll find that out, too.\nThere's no point in suffering through mediocre sex throughout the whole relationship or even breaking up because you believe you are too sexually incompatible, when the problem basically comes down to a lack of communication. So talk about it, and give your girlfriend the chance to express the way she feels. If the problem continues after you've had a chance to talk about things, then you might need to reevaluate how important the sex is in the context of the relationship. \nSend questions and comments to the Sexpert at jfinkel@indiana.edu.