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(04/28/10 10:06pm)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>During this semester, I have written a variety of columns, touching on everything from ChatRoulette to Dunn’s Woods to the Mayan apocalypse. While I am proud of my writing, I can’t say any of my stories have been as truly inspirational as that of my dear friend Joey Gaines.I am a member of Phi Gamma Delta, where Joey is also a member and my pledge brother. Regardless of what you think of my fraternity or the greek system in general, please reserve your judgment for the content of my writing and not where I sleep at night.I first met Joey at the beginning of my freshman year. We had a mutual friend in high school and were acquainted with each other, but I didn’t know much about him besides his fondness for UFC fights and his boasting about his high school football team.Joey’s mother Sandra was diagnosed with Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis the summer before his freshman year. ALS, commonly known as Lou Gehrig’s disease, is a cruel, progressive and ultimately fatal neurodegenerative disease caused by the degeneration of the nerve cells that control voluntary movement. Sandra and Joey had a remarkable relationship. Joey’s father wasn’t around while Joey was growing up, so Joey and his mother forged a bond that rivals that of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. I could write an essay about the lengths Joey’s mother went for her son, but I have some space constraints, so take my word for it.While Joey was coping with the deterioration of his mother’s health, he also underwent our fraternity’s pledgeship process. Without getting into detail, I can attest it is an emotionally draining — yet extremely powerful — experience. As a result, I am lucky to call Joey and 20-some other guys my partners in crime, best friends and members of the fall 2008 Fiji pledge class.Joey has an extraordinary ability to internalize his struggles and put forth a radiant smile to the world, so to the casual outsider, Joey simply seemed to be the happy-go-lucky kid he always is. However, the distress he experienced during that time in his life would make even the most stalwart optimist question his hopefulness.Joey’s mother passed away last August. Since that day, Joey has gone through quite possibly one of the most emotionally taxing experiences I could possibly envision. Imagine losing your entire immediate family and best friend in one single blow. I cannot begin to fathom the depths of the pain associated with a loss of that magnitude.Joey, however, is a truly incredible individual. While many people would have given up hope after such a tragic loss, Joey did not. You see, that’s the thing about Joey: He doesn’t know how to lose. Joey is currently working his way toward his dream of becoming a collegiate football coach. He regularly attends class when he’s not beating me in Madden NFL Football 2010 or working with IU football coach Bill Lynch at the IU Athletic Department, all the while with a smile on his face. He recently began working with the ALS Therapy Development Institute to raise funds in honor of his mom.Joey is the embodiment of the triumph of the human spirit over defeat. I am lucky to count him among my close friends, and he will always continue to inspire me.E-mail: halderfe@indiana.edu
(04/14/10 9:05pm)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>Last week, a group of Russian scientists released a paper published by the journal Physical Review Letters that they had created a minute amount of an element temporarily dubbed “ununseptium,” which roughly translates to “117-ness” in Latin.The word ununseptium has all the sexiness and marketing appeal of Brussels sprouts. I think scientists can do better than just taking the most obvious aspect of a discovery and finding a Latin translation.There’s two directions the International Union of Pure and Applied Chemistry, which oversees the periodic table of elements, can take when naming this new element. For one, they could name it after some important scientist or research institution, such as Berkelium for the University of California-Berkeley.On the other more business-savvy hand, the IUPAC could solicit ideas from interested parties trying to land their name on a prominent scientific discovery. While some might denounce this practice as scientific lobbying, I see absolutely no reason why science shouldn’t reach out to the Kelley crowd.Firstly, naming scientific discoveries after celebrities has long been acceptable. A rather large menagerie of animals and plants have been named for famous figures in history and pop culture.For instance, Phialella zappai, a jellyfish, is named after musician Frank Zappa. Agathidium vaderi, a rather large and intimidating beetle, is named after Darth Vader. Go figure.The most compelling argument doesn’t come from an ethical perspective but rather a financial one. If there’s one thing business does well, it’s making money. If there’s one thing science doesn’t do well, it’s finding funding.I don’t know about you, but I see potential for a very beneficial symbiotic relationship between two vastly different human enterprises. Lobbying has worked for hundreds of years in politics, where businessmen and politicians exchange steak dinners for beneficial legislation.The possibilities for Element 117 are quite large. After polling a few of my friends, here are some of the suggestions they came up with as to what exactly we should call ununseptium.One suggested Microsoft purchase the naming rights for ununseptium as a marketing ploy. One of the most popular games for Microsoft’s Xbox 360 is the Halo series. The main character in Halo is Master Chief, a super soldier with serial number 117. Perhaps, as a tribute to the hero, Microsoft stipulates ununseptium is now “Spartanium.”Another friend suggested the world’s richest man, Carlos Slim, purchase the naming rights element solely as a publicity stunt. After all, Telmexium does flow rather well. If anything, it would prevent James Cameron from naming the element unobtanium. I wouldn’t put it past him.The only downside of this modest proposal is the timeframe involved. While many business decisions rely on relevance and timeliness, scientists don’t operate with the same mindset. According to the New York Times, Element 112 was first observed in 1996 but was given its new name — copernicium — only this past February.While Element 117 will probably end up being named Hawkingium or something monumentally boring like that, we can always hope Walmartium will one day appear on periodic tables everywhere.E-mail: halderfe@indiana.edu
(03/31/10 8:44pm)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>I was a Boy Scout. Now, before you start judging me as your typical conservative Christian moral preacher, let me get a few things straight.I am not conservative, nor anything close to conservative. I regularly watch MSNBC and think Rachel Maddow is one cool cat. I also support health care reform, gay marriage and all the other things any other socially informed person would support.I am fiscally moderate, so I guess you could call me a libertarian, but really political labels don’t matter that much to me. So I’ve got that going for me, which is nice.Next, I am not a Christian. I was born and raised Catholic, but I’ve since realized that connecting to God or whatever deity is floating up there in the Crab Nebula doesn’t require eating stale bread and drinking small amounts of cheap Chardonnay every Sunday. I don’t mean to dig at Catholics, I’m just saying it’s not my cup of tea.So now that I’ve cleared that up, I want to talk about the Scouts. I’ve noticed they’ve been getting a bad rap for quite a while now. When I tell people I was an Eagle Scout, their first response is usually along the lines of “Can you start a fire with two sticks?” or “That’s really lame.” Well guess what. I can start a fire with two sticks, and I think that’s pretty freaking awesome.The Boy Scouts, despite the tacky uniforms and helping-the-elderly stereotypes, teach some pretty cool stuff. I would venture to say I learned almost more practical knowledge through Scouting than I did in my AP classes.While trigonometry has all the real-world application of an accordion on a hunting trip, my merit badge classes in personal finance and entrepreneurship have stuck with me longer than most of my Kelley classes. To boot, they were taught by some of the top financial advisers in Indianapolis.However, it was the weekend camp outs where the real life lessons kicked in. There were two big lessons I can remember.First and foremost, don’t whine or complain. No one likes that kid. He usually sucks at hanging out with the guys and almost inevitably ends up as the social outcast. If you’re looking for mental image, think Piggy from Lord of the Flies.Secondly, try to volunteer for stuff. As a leader in the troop, I always liked the kid who went out of his way to make my life a little easier. Besides, sometimes you get kickbacks if you’re in the right place at the right time.These lessons actually helped me more in college and my internship than anything I learned in high school. The real beauty of Scouting isn’t the moral lessons but rather the social wisdom that comes when one works together with a group of guys to achieve a common goal.I’ve made lifelong friendships in Scouting that I wouldn’t sacrifice for anything. Perhaps if Scouting focused a little more on that, along with the nifty pocketknives, they could seem cool again.E-mail: halderfe@indiana.edu
(03/10/10 9:55pm)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>It is a dark, gloomy and eerily misty Bloomington night. A fell wind twists and turns through the high-reaching gothic spires of the Old Crescent that strike a sharp contrast to the jet black, moonless sky. Somewhere, a small-to-mid-sized darkly feathered bird (maybe a pigeon) caws out into the night, admonishing an anxious traveler what dangers beset him on his dark and dangerous journey. Where is this foolhardy student so recklessly traipsing?The ominous answer: the “Scary Woods.”During the safe and sun-drenched daylight hours, students stroll through Dunn’s Woods without so much as a thought as to why it is there, let alone what wonders — or dangers — lurk within. Many a time I myself have ambled wondrously through these woods, marveling at one of the last refuges of the untamed wilderness that covered Indiana merely three centuries ago.I’ve spotted countless squirrels scurrying among the fallen timber of oaks, racing against the clock in autumn to “get their nut,” so to speak, for the long winter hibernation. In the springtime, these critters reemerge into the world with renewed vim and vigor, trying to “get their nut” in an entirely different way. I’ve seen many students merrily chase after these small mammals. In fact, I personally know one guy who broke his ankle chasing after a squirrel. Alas, he was merely a freshman at the time and didn’t have the wisdom to avoid such rash endeavors.Sadly, it isn’t the cheerfulness of the woodland creatures that exemplifies Dunn’s Woods true character. When dusk settles upon the lofty trees and lowly cracked-brick paths, IU’s miniature forest transmogrifies into a much more sinister place.Personally, I get a little freaked out at night walking through Dunn’s Woods. Strange things happen in the woods, and not all of them have explanations. Not entirely unlike Fangorn Forest from “Lord of the Rings,” the trees seem to come alive, creaking and moaning into the chilly night air. Piercing shrieks and maniacal laughter spring from dim and shadowy corners of the woods. I once witnessed a man cackling insanely as he rode his bicycle into a tree. He began to weep inconsolably, but as I offered him help, he flailed violently, jumped in the air and sprinted away. He left his bicycle. Although his possession could be caused by the evil spirits of the LSD or whiskey gods, I blame the evil spirit of the Scary Woods.But fear not, for we can banish the malevolent spirits that corrupt our beloved Dunn’s Woods. We really just need more path-lights around the walkways in the woods at night. Yeah, that’s pretty much all that needs to be done.I imagine a bright future, where students will promenade at their leisure through Dunn’s Woods at night, perhaps to bask in the moonlight near the Rose Well House with that special someone. To whomever wins the IUSA election, I give you this charge: Bring light to the Scary Woods, and restore it to its former glory.E-mail: halderfe@indiana.edu
(03/09/10 12:56am)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>IUSA has incredible potential to create positive change on our campus. It is the connection between the student body and the University administration. Besides the student trustee, the president of our student body is arguably the most influential student on this campus.Nonetheless, year after year, little gets done. Over the past 10 years, almost every administration has rallied for a fall break. Although the current administration is bringing the issue to a vote before the Bloomington Faculty Council for the first time in recent history, not a single administration has accomplished its mission.During last week’s debate between the iUnity and Kirkwood tickets, Kirkwood ticket presidential candidate Justin Kingsolver lambasted the current administration for failing to follow through, claiming “all five (campaign promises) are incomplete.” While he is technically correct, it isn’t entirely fair to say they got nothing done. According to Ben Schulte, the director of the current administration’s bike rental task force, a campus-wide bike rental program will be ready to launch as soon as this summer.Along with the bike rental program, the Btown administration also brought Zipcar, a low-cost car rental program, to campus. They are implementing GPS tracking systems for campus buses as well as developing monitoring systems for gym availability.In reality, the biggest factor in IUSA’s ineptitude is time. It is unrealistic to believe an IUSA administration can accomplish anything of significance in a one-year term. By extending IUSA administration term lengths to two years, IUSA would have more time to actually work on bringing its initiatives to fruition instead of trying to figure out what it is supposed to be doing after the last administration’s members pack their bags.E-mail: halderfe@indiana.edu
(02/24/10 11:25pm)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>Mankind is slowly but surely stumbling its way toward apocalypse.In the year 2012, while I suddenly realize my collegiate glory days are officially over, some have predicted the world will end. According to the Mayan “Long-Count” calendar, December 2012 marks the end of time, signaling what could very well be a cataclysmal apocalypse (or academic apocalypse; I have no intention of graduating in December).There are quite a few ideas on how the universe will end, if it does at all. Most of these beliefs stem from religious doctrines or cosmological theories, both of which have about the same factual integrity as Michael Bay’s “Armageddon.”According to the Bible — the hottest self-help source since Tony Robbins — there will be some kind of lottery system where some will be chosen to rise into the heavens, while others will be left for the proverbial birds.“Of that day and hour no-one knows. No, not even the angels of heaven, but my Father only. Two men will be in the field; one will be taken and the other left. Two women will be grinding at the mill; one will be taken and the other left. Watch therefore, for you do not know what hour your Lord is coming.”This passage from Matthew seems to be eerily similar to J. Fred Coots’ Christmas-time admonition: “He sees you when you’re sleeping / he knows when you’re awake / he knows if you’ve been bad or good so be good for goodness sake.” Personally, I find this system off-putting. The passage implicitly states that if you don’t adhere to the concepts and principles of Christianity, you are automatically doomed to an eternity of mild-to-moderate discomfort and anguish. I have plenty of friends who aren’t Christian, but I’m pretty sure that they deserve better than hellfire, even if they steal my shampoo sometimes.Judaism (in some forms) holds the rather bizarre belief that the dead shall be resurrected and walk the earth, after which the good zombies will be chosen for everlasting life, while the bad zombies will face “shame and everlasting contempt.” It’s in Daniel 2:12, look it up.On the other side of the apocalyptic spectrum, some cosmologists (those who study the origins and evolution of the universe) believe there will be a “Big Crunch,” where the universe’s gravity will pull all matter back into one tiny singularity, resulting in another “Big Bang.” One can extrapolate that there have been multiple Big Bangs during the course of time and that we are just in one cycle of this never-ending process. So, the universe is kind of like one gigantic yo-yo. Cool.Another theory states that we will suffer a “Big Freeze,” where the universe’s constant expansion will eventually result in all matter reaching absolute zero, where everything will be really, really cold. This entropy-death hypothesis creates a chilling reality to Dory’s adage of “just keep swimming.”Of course, all of this is purely hypothetical and should be taken with a grain of salt. No matter what your religious or secular convictions are, we can all agree it is highly improbable that any of us will witness the end of the world as we know it. Unless, of course, you’re an R.E.M. fan, in which case you’ve already heard about it since 1987.E-mail: halderfe@indiana.edu
(02/11/10 12:02am)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>Click. Three girls from Maine are taking shots every time they see an Asian. I disappoint them and they disconnect. Click. Some guy is masturbating. On camera. Hurried click. The concept seems uplifting to the naïve user. A service that connects any human in the world for a face-to-face interaction seems like the last step toward breaking down socioeconomic barriers that segregate mankind. However, I was soon to find that ChatRoulette is a savage, untamed free-for-all that easily belittles one into a state of total social anxiety.When you visit the site, you are presented with another random human from somewhere in the world. You have three alternatives at this point: engage, reject or be rejected. In the 30 minutes my friends and I used ChatRoulette, we were “F9ed” (the verb for being rejected on ChatRoulette) more than 100 times, often with looks of disgust or annoyance on the other user’s face as they reached to their keyboard to press next. Those who did want to talk to us were few and far between, most of the time asking us to perform random sex acts. One out of maybe 20 people will be a normal person, but it’s surprising and a little scary how quickly you can find some level of connection with them. In fact, we met at least three students from IU, or so they claimed.The Internet is quickly becoming the last refuge of a scoundrel in a world where everything is rapidly shifting to connectivity.While the majority of the Internet’s society wants to conform to normality and structure, there is a dissident population on the Web that pushes for chaos and disorder in our online experience. Some of our most recognizable Web sites strive to maintain order and organize the Web: Facebook, Wikipedia and Google are just a few examples. Other sites fight this normalization and strive for individuality: 4chan, Stumblr and now ChatRoulette are all examples.This dualism within the Internet is largely a reflection of its status as one of the last frontiers for mankind. It started as a digital wilderness, with no central organization – only a lonely address bar to guide the way. As the Internet grew, some sites expanded and became popularized as others fell to the wayside. As the wilderness of the Internet is tamed as much as America was, there is a dissident population standing its ground against the onslaught of grouping and classification.ChatRoulette is a beautiful example of this. There is no order, no reason and no preference to who you see. It is completely idiotic, thrilling, chilling, powerful and perverse. And it’s totally awesome.E-mail: halderfe@indiana.edu
(01/28/10 1:29am)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>When word got out about Tiger Woods’ infidelity, people were obviously going to talk about it. Tiger has long been the golden boy of golf, if not all of sport. He won major after major in his signature Sunday red and Nike hat, all the while gratefully acknowledging his family and his fans. It almost seemed too good to be true. Well, turns out it was.Is it really fair that Tiger has been lambasted to the point of enrolling in sex rehab? If it were any other professional athlete, the story would have gotten two days of coverage on E! and been done with. The real issue is that Tiger was more than just another pro athlete. He was a legitimate American Idol (read: not Taylor Hicks), and in a decade of shams and let-downs, Tiger is the latest in a series of disappointments.In late 2001 Bethany McLean blew the cover off Enron’s seemingly golden-plated balance sheet, causing one of the most significant financial scandals in U.S. history. Investors lost $11 billion in just one month, causing investor confidence to plummet. They were right to do so: Tyco and WorldCom filed for bankruptcy less than a year later, the latter quickly surpassing Enron as the largest bankruptcy in U.S. history.In 2003 the Bush administration was gearing up to launch the war in Iraq. In Bush’s State of the Union address, he proclaimed (surprisingly eloquently for a president notorious for his verbal gaffes) these infamous 16 words: “The British government has learned that Saddam Hussein recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa.” This single sentence became the crux of the previous administration’s justification for invading Iraq. Former CIA Director George Tenet called the case “a slam dunk.”Turns out, just like Enron, things weren’t exactly as good as they seemed. Seven years and trillions of dollars later, the United States still has not found a single weapon of mass destruction in the now war-ravaged state of Iraq. Mission accomplished, right?In the mid-2000s the housing market was booming beyond belief. Between 1997 and 2006 the average home price in America increased 142 percent. In 2004 a staggering 69.2 percent of all Americans were homeowners. But once again, the good times didn’t last forever. As a result of handing out mortgages to those who couldn’t repay them, the irresponsibility of firms such as Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac led to a loss of 45 percent of the world’s financial wealth, the single largest recession since the Great Depression. Disgraced financier Bernie Madoff just made things worse, allowing his investors to lose $65 billion while he frolicked in Montauk.I guess the moral of the story is that we should be used to this kind of thing happening. Darrell Royal, former coach of the Texas Longhorns, once said that “When you get to the end zone, act like you’ve been there before.” The same rule applies to disappointment, and we should act like we’ve been through this before – because we have. E-mail: halderfe@indiana.edu