Horsemen and Hellfire

Mankind is slowly but surely stumbling its way toward apocalypse.

In the year 2012, while I suddenly realize my collegiate glory days are officially over, some have predicted the world will end. According to the Mayan “Long-Count” calendar, December 2012 marks the end of time, signaling what could very well be a cataclysmal apocalypse (or academic apocalypse; I have no intention of graduating in December).

There are quite a few ideas on how the universe will end, if it does at all. Most of these beliefs stem from religious doctrines or cosmological theories, both of which have about the same factual integrity as Michael Bay’s “Armageddon.”

According to the Bible — the hottest self-help source since Tony Robbins — there will be some kind of lottery system where some will be chosen to rise into the heavens, while others will be left for the proverbial birds.

“Of that day and hour no-one knows. No, not even the angels of heaven, but my Father only. Two men will be in the field; one will be taken and the other left. Two women will be grinding at the mill; one will be taken and the other left. Watch therefore, for you do not know what hour your Lord is coming.”

This passage from Matthew seems to be eerily similar to J. Fred Coots’ Christmas-time admonition: “He sees you when you’re sleeping / he knows when you’re awake / he knows if you’ve been bad or good so be good for goodness sake.”

Personally, I find this system off-putting. The passage implicitly states that if you don’t adhere to the concepts and principles of Christianity, you are automatically doomed to an eternity of mild-to-moderate discomfort and anguish. I have plenty of friends who aren’t Christian, but I’m pretty sure that they deserve better than hellfire, even if they steal my shampoo sometimes.

Judaism (in some forms) holds the rather bizarre belief that the dead shall be resurrected and walk the earth, after which the good zombies will be chosen for everlasting life, while the bad zombies will face “shame and everlasting contempt.” It’s in Daniel 2:12, look it up.

On the other side of the apocalyptic spectrum, some cosmologists (those who study the origins and evolution of the universe) believe there will be a “Big Crunch,” where the universe’s gravity will pull all matter back into one tiny singularity, resulting in another “Big Bang.” One can extrapolate that there have been multiple Big Bangs during the course of time and that we are just in one cycle of this never-ending process. So, the universe is kind of like one gigantic yo-yo. Cool.

Another theory states that we will suffer a “Big Freeze,” where the universe’s constant expansion will eventually result in all matter reaching absolute zero, where everything will be really, really cold. This entropy-death hypothesis creates a chilling reality to Dory’s adage of “just keep swimming.”

Of course, all of this is purely hypothetical and should be taken with a grain of salt. No matter what your religious or secular convictions are, we can all agree it is highly improbable that any of us will witness the end of the world as we know it. Unless, of course, you’re an R.E.M. fan, in which case you’ve already heard about it since 1987.


E-mail: halderfe@indiana.edu