Summer is drawing to a close, which means back-to-school commercials have yet again resurfaced like a bad rash. But in a year defined by the coronavirus pandemic, the return to academia looks awfully different, especially for collegiate sports fans.
If Target and Walmart insist on selling pens and folders when most forms of education have transitioned online, I can peddle my wares despite the Big Ten dismissing fall athletics.
Alternative housing decor
Every year, universities print posters of their football schedule destined to hang on dorm room walls. If you own one of these suddenly outdated pieces of art, I suggest giving it a second life, perhaps as a hyper-stylized placemat.
Then again, imagine the pain you’ll feel when wistfully cleaning spaghetti sauce off “Oct. 17 @ Rutgers.” Oh, what could have been.
Most team-related merchandise will lead to similar melancholy. Fortunately, the campus is ripe with other thriving student organizations. That IU soccer hat is just a few sharpie strokes away from supporting the university’s prestigious Yo-Yo Club.
Finally, flesh out your living space with new furniture. Pick up a coffee table from IKEA, toss out the instructions and get to work. Surely Big Ten loyalists can appreciate entering a complex process with no plan whatsoever, ending up heartbroken when everything collapses on itself.
Tailgating trinkets
If Memorial Stadium’s half-empty seating indicates anything, it’s that tailgating is arguably more important than the game. However, the only alcohol anybody’s toting in discrete plastic containers this fall is the 60% ethanol in Purell.
So how does a group of college kids party without creating the most potent spread offense since Louisiana State University’s 2019 squad? Masks are clearly the safest route but aren’t particularly conducive to shotgunning or chugging one’s way toward a blurry afternoon.
Though not prevalent at tailgates, a yard of ale is perfect in a COVID-19 society. Nobody can get within six feet of one another so long as everybody constantly keeps their comically long beer glass tilted into their mouths like a champ.
Entertainment
Unless you enjoy watching reruns from a distant age when Illinois had a competent football program, the Big Ten Network might not be your best viewing selection. Nevertheless, some conferences still plan to plow ahead with a season.
Take the flagship network of the ACC, which I recently discovered did not in fact stand for the “All Clemson Conference.” Did you know Duke University had a real-life football team with uniforms and a field and everything? How precious is that?
True, several of these Big XII or Southeastern Conference-exclusive channels feature lackluster commentary and way too many commercials advertising Bible Belt barbecue chains you’ll never visit, but football is football. Playing a contact sport amid a pandemic sounds like a more desperate version of Custer’s Last Stand, but if the southern schools somehow pull it off we’ll all be saying “yeehaw” come December.
New hobbies
The first semester is a relentless onslaught of icebreakers in which you robotically recite your name, hometown and favorite pastimes. While saying you like sports is usually a godsend for a freshman otherwise devoid of personality, nobody wants to be reminded of their cancellation.
Therefore, it’s important to adopt new skills and interests. It supposedly takes 10,000 hours to master a skill, which by a happy coincidence is roughly how long ESPN’s commercial-addled college football broadcasts seem to last.
Learning to cook will come in handy since you can no longer rely on a Saturday lunch consisting of macrobrews and chicken wings. For a more cerebral challenge, try jigsaw puzzles to give yourself the illusion that you’re putting together the scattered pieces of your life.
Lastly, immerse yourself in the pop culture you once deemed childish make-believe. The days of football being cooler than Star Wars are behind us. Just like the harrowing war between the Empire and the Rebellion, a conflict between IU and Purdue isn’t happening in a galaxy near ours any time soon.
