The NBA recently announced it would conduct the remainder of its 2020 season at Walt Disney World in Orlando, Florida. While 22 squads will strive for a fairytale ending, eight have already been disqualified from a trip to the Magic Kingdom.
However, this is fairly in line with most Disney movies. For every perfectly-fitting glass slipper, there are hundreds of squashings, drownings, plummets and maulings. I have drawn from this robust catalogue of tragedies to summarize the fates of the worst teams in the NBA.
Charlotte Hornets: Ernesto de la Cruz, ‘Coco’
In ‘Coco,’ the late Ernesto de la Cruz is revered as the Michael Jordan of music, but in the afterlife is revealed to be a diabolical manipulator.
Although both Cruz and Jordan have celebrated careers, each lives a second life in which he is a mere ghostly skeleton of his former self. Cruz effectively rules the Land of the Dead, while Jordan owns the Hornets in Charlotte, which is basically a less charming land of dead playoff hopes.
Chicago Bulls: Claude Frollo, ‘The Hunchback of Notre Dame’
Judge Claude Frollo is an aged public figure with a troublesome hidden past and no concept of boundaries around women, really blurring the line between cartoon villain and modern-day politician.
Frollo meets his demise by falling from the heights of Notre Dame Cathedral while desperately clutching an ancient gargoyle. Surely the Bulls can relate to someone who careens to his doom while literally holding on to a symbol of the past.
New York Knicks: Gaston, ‘Beauty and the Beast’
Even with an enraged mob supporting him, Gaston dies when vying for Belle’s love, which instead goes to a massive rich hairball with fangs.
The Knicks have the adoration of New York City, but manage to be less desirable than the historically incompetent Brooklyn Nets. Just as Gaston sings about his unproven accolades, the Knicks boast of a storied franchise despite having done hardly anything noteworthy since the disco era.
Detroit Pistons: Oogie Boogie, ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’
The Pistons built a reputation as the league’s “Bad Boys.” Oogie Boogie, a sentient burlap sack crawling with myriad horrors, serves as the fictional Halloween Town’s bogeyman.
When Oogie Boogie is defeated, he splits apart at the seams as thousands of critters scuttle and slither out from inside him. Whether this unraveling is actually any more unsightly than the Pistons playing basketball is up to the viewer’s opinion.
Atlanta Hawks: Nemo’s siblings, ‘Finding Nemo’
Remember that scene where a barracuda viciously murders a mother and nearly all of her offspring in a matter of seconds? That’s classic Disney.
Like a mass of unhatched clownfish eggs, the Hawks are too young and know nothing about defense. If Trae Young can fill the role of Nemo, the lone hope in an otherwise miserable situation, maybe the Hawks can just keep swimming through a sea of mediocrity.
Minnesota Timberwolves: pretty much every parent from every movie
Disney pumps out orphans like Minnesota does losses. The Timberwolves currently own the worst win percentage of any NBA franchise.
At the start of each season, some small part of me hopes Minnesota will do something impressive. Yet as the year progresses, I get the same pit in my stomach as when I see Bambi’s mother trot off-screen.
Cleveland Cavaliers: Mufasa, ‘The Lion King’
LeBron James used to bring perennial championship aspirations to Cleveland. But “The King” is gone, and the Cavaliers have been getting trampled by a stampede of far better teams ever since.
It once seemed that everything the light touched was within the Cavaliers’ domain. From questionable coaching decisions to a dense blanket of photochemical smog, there isn’t much light touching anything near Cleveland these days.
Golden State Warriors: Hades, ‘Hercules’
Perhaps it’s a bit unfair to compare the Warriors to the antichrist. Regardless, both Hades and Golden State rapidly rose to power with the aid of a three-headed beast, be it a hydra or the trifecta of Steph Curry, Klay Thompson and Draymond Green.
Ultimately, Hades is thrown into to the river Styx, where he is ravaged by those he previously tormented. When I see the Kings, Lakers and Clippers taking potshots at the Warriors, I take solace knowing the Fates have restored balance.
