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OPINION: My war on Christmas music



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Mariah Carey sings March 5, 2019. Tribune News Service Buy Photos

Bright, multicolored lights have been strung up along porches and apartment complexes in Bloomington. Christmas trees stand proudly in living rooms, shining on through the dark, drab nights. Mariah Carey has crawled from the stomach of the Earth, gleefully dancing her way through the snow all the way back into the Billboard Charts. 

Christmas season is in full swing which means radio stations are abusing ears with the same thirteen songs, but they’re about snow now. Department stores blare “Last Christmas” and “Carol of the Bells” continuously, pushing their employees to the edge of sanity.

Christmas music is a contentious topic. Some people are die hard fans of the holiday genre. Some people find Christmas music annoying. Ideologically, I lie somewhere in the middle. 

Christmas music can be a fantastic thing. It thrusts people into the season, making everything merry and bright. There are some Christmas songs that truly are listenable outside the season. “Mistletoe” by Justin Beiber is great and I could listen to it even if it was 70 degrees outside. The Beach Boys’ “Little Saint Nick” injects the holiday genre with a little surf energy and it’s wonderful. Neil Diamond’s “The Christmas Album” is so tight. 

But Christmas music can also be an awful thing. Every single artist wants to get in on the Christmas scene. Paul McCartney, Taylor Swift, Ariana Grande, Madonna and even Katy Perry have made Christmas songs. The holiday genre is oversaturated. The same six or seven songs have been covered into oblivion.

Plus, some holiday songs are just god awful and bizarre. Paul McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmastime” sounds like he went in the studio and slammed his head repeatedly into the synthesizer. 

Also, I’d like to address the holiday subgenre which I call “Songs About Hooking Up With Santa.” I don’t know why these songs exist, but they do. “Santa Baby” is the obvious ruler in this subgenre, but there’s an insane amount of songs about wanting to bang Santa. Nothing says Christmas like gathering around a fire with your family and friends, drinking eggnog and listening to a song about messing around with Santa. 

Holiday music seems like it’s this strange, otherworldly genre, but that’s just because it’s tied to a specific date. It’s really like any other genre: there are some good songs, some bad ones and a lot of weird ones.

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