Indiana Daily Student

Things you shouldn't do in college

In a hilarious turn of journalistic malpractice, the student newspaper of the University of Western Ontario, the Gazette, ran a column in its “Frosh edition” advising students on how to get it on with their teaching ?assistants.

It was not satire.

In case anyone needs reminding, dating your teaching assistant is not OK.

At all. Don’t do that.

It’s not fair to you, it’s not fair to the TA, and it’s really not fair to all the other students in your class.

Just don’t.

The featured piece has since been removed from the Gazette’s website, and the freshman edition will not be distributed on campus.

The Gazette’s editorial board has apologized, not just for the article in question but for the whole edition, which apparently promoted binge drinking and drug use in addition to sexual ?misconduct.

Unfortunately, the offending content was removed from the Gazette website before I had a chance to read it.

Fortunately, I have a vivid imagination.

Warning: the following is a list of things you should ?not do.

I am telling you the worst possible way to do them in an attempt at humor. Please do not do these things.

Please do the opposite of these things.

dating your TA:

Venerable sources such as Jezebel and the Huffington Post report the original article advised finding your TA crush on Facebook, going to their office hours and enrolling in their class by any means necessary.

I would also advise finding out where they live and where his or her parents live, just in case.

Casually drop by and insist you were “just in the neighborhood” walking your dog. Make sure you don’t have a dog.

binge drinking:

Binge drinking is an important skill, particularly if you don’t like drinking and have very few friends that drink. Remember, this is the only way you will be accepted at college, even though statistics indicate most students that do drink do so responsibly.

First, buy a lot of alcohol. Like a lot. Mind-blowing amounts.

Drink all of it. Don’t eat anything. Don’t drink any water. Don’t collect $200.

Make sure you do this alone or with people who don’t like you very much.

using drugs:

Most college campuses are known hotbeds of marijuana use, but that’s boring.

No Lifetime Movie Network executive wants to make a biopic about your life casually using a drug that’s almost legal and then going on to be an accountant or whatever.

Instead, go directly for the hard stuff. “Breaking Bad” was a cool show, right?

You are the next Jesse Pinkman, probably.

Engaging in academic misconduct:

The average student’s first brush with academic misconduct is usually something such as cheating or plagiarism following a failed all-nighter.

But this is your freshman year. It’s time for you to make your mark, to stand out from the crowd.

Proffering sex to an instructor is the perfect way to show that you are in college now and you are an adult.

It’s also a great way to show up your friend who’s dating his or her TA.

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