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Freshmen who travel in packs

Like a school of fish avoiding the big sharks, campus’ latest additions roam Indiana University with the safety in numbers method of operation. These packs more than likely comprise of old high school friends and their random roommates from Chicago, though they’re actually from the suburbs.

Freshmen holed up in their rooms

Their parents only left a few hours before and they’re already halfway through the first season of “The X-Files.” These solitude-loving freshmen fear the vast IU campus and probably won’t venture out until that 8 a.m. class they signed up for. But don’t be afraid to get out and try new things! There’s someone out there who is just as interested in staying in as you, and they’d love the company.

Freshmen who go out every night because they think that’s what college is

These newbies are too busy asking the question, “How do I college?” And they’re naïve enough to believe it means going out every single night. Hopefully they’ll learn before too long that it’s more than okay to take a night off here and there. Because God forbid sobriety is practiced on a quiet Tuesday evening. They should take a page from the homebody freshmen and stay in once in a while.

Upperclassmen who think they have to go out every night

These are the sophomores, juniors and seniors who never figured it out as freshman. But instead of being kind of adorable and forgivable, it’s mostly just sad. C’mon, people. Instead of polishing off a fifth of Smirnoff on a Monday night, just get your homework done or procrastinate on Netflix. The weekend always rolls back around.  

Sophomores who think they’re so above freshmen

Attention sophomores: it was only a year ago that you were beginning your IU adventure. So the right to judge and/or hackle freshmen is not yours. Technically you’re still an underclassman and more readily identified with freshmen than juniors or seniors. So stick your tail back between your legs and run along.

Juniors who have moved off campus and live on their porches

The dorms are a mere twinkle in their eye, and they finally have a piece of dilapidated property to call their own. So what do they do? Put a couch on their front pouch and hang out shirtless all day long. You’re also likely to see them halfway through a case of beer and yelling at those packs of freshmen mentioned above.

Seniors who have seen it all

These wise Gandalfs and Dumbledores of Bloomington have seen, heard and done it all. There isn’t a college experience they haven’t been through themselves, and they would love nothing more than to impart their questionable wisdom onto you.

Seniors who haven’t seen anything because they’ve been blacked out the whole time

And finally, the haggard drunkards who haven’t learned a thing other than the most efficient ways to remain publicly and permanently wasted. And you know what? Give them their beer degrees and send them off. Their livers have more than earned your respect.

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