Cross off 'The To Do List'

Welcome (back) to the 1990s.

As if we couldn’t get enough teen-virginity tales from that glorious decade, writer and director Maggie Carey decided to throw us another bone with “The To Do List,” the newest installment of the ’90s that we never knew we needed (because we didn’t) and one that has come two decades too late.

Don’t get me wrong. This movie had a ton of potential. Actually, it had just about everything going for it on paper. But Carey and the cast royally screwed the pooch on this one. “The To Do List” feels like a really awful cover of a ’90s hit song, trying to be edgy but falling flat on its face.

At the helm of this shipwreck is Aubrey Plaza, playing Brandy Clark, a soon-to-be-freshman trying to lose her virginity and become more sexually versed before going to college. Plaza is terrible. She is not charismatic, ironically charismatic, likable, pretty, warm, fun, funny or in any way a pleasure to watch onscreen. She’s this cold, uninviting wreck of an actress that never deserves another role, at least in a comedy, for as long as she lives. It frustrates me because it’s so clear how much better this movie could have been had they not cast this C-lister.

The others in this film, from Brandy’s mother, played by Connie Britton, to her best friends, played by Alia Shawkat and Sarah Steele, to the deadbeat boss at her pool, played by Bill Hader, do just OK. They’re not really all that funny, but that can be partially blamed on Carey’s thin writing. Eating poop is not quality comedy. Using movie theater popcorn butter as personal lubricant for your date is not quality comedy. Getting semen on your hands is not quality comedy. The only real kicks in this movie come from all the ’90s throwbacks, but even those feel cheap and kind of unnecessary. It’s actually kind of strange — the movie’s target audience would have been born in the late ’90s, past the time of this movie, and that would mean it’s not really funny to them.

“The To Do List” has no clear message, point or objective. Does sex mean a lot? Does it not? Should we be tentative about relationships, or dive in headfirst? Its lack of focus feels messy and unrefined.

“The To Do List” just adds insult to injury because its errors are so blatantly obvious — I feel like I could fix them. For example, the type of girl that would make sense to play Brandy flashes so clearly in my mind, and it’s nothing like the travesty Aubrey Plaza presented us with. The blunders are large and sweeping, but easily fixable. As it stands, though, this movie is just an irrelevant, not-very-funny waste of time.