I don’t rage before the sun

IU football leaves a lot to be desired. That’s no secret.

I don’t think I know more than maybe three people who actually went to that Homecoming game.

So imagine my surprise about Homecoming weekend when I was invited to tailgating parties as early as seven in the morning. As if people actually intended to go to the game.

I usually consider myself a morning person. But by morning I mean like 9:30 a.m. on any given weekday, and never, ever before 8 a.m.

Classes at 8 a.m. are like snipes. People say they exist, but can you ever be truly sure if they do or not? How could anyone possibly survive getting up that early? Are they just pulling your leg? Or could something that heinous actually occur in real life?

And then you meet someone who claims to have one.

Immediately you adopt that hushed, nursing home voice you might use during a conversation with a terminally ill patient.

So why on earth would I want to be up to tailgate at 7 a.m.? I’m not going to come home early Friday night just so I don’t die when my alarm wakes me up to go out Saturday morning.

For reference’s sake, the sun didn’t even officially rise on Saturday until 7:47 a.m., which means people expected me to be out of bed and raging predawn. I don’t rage before the sun.

Cheap beer doesn’t taste any better at 7 a.m. than at 1 p.m., nor am I any better at beer pong.

Cornhole is still a dumb game, and you can’t get up early enough to drink an IU football game into something less than pitiful. And I can see my breath when I’m outside that early in October.

What genius dreamt this up?

Bottom line, if we’re not going to the game, which most of the people I know don’t do anyway, then a tailgate is just like any other party.

And if anyone had a normal party at 7 a.m., they’d be laughed out of town.

So if we’re just going to drink and eat and pass out at about 2 p.m., why do we drag ourselves out of bed at all? In the future, if you invite me to your crack-of-dawn tailgate, expect me to show up well-rested and a few beers in around 2 p.m.

­— drlreed@indiana.edu