Why I will never have kids

Hear that?

That’s the glorious sound of my biological clock being smashed to pieces.

My reluctance to participate in the reproduction of my species goes beyond my inability to talk to children and my disgust of the bloodbath that is childbirth.

“That’s nice, Amber,” I’m told gently. “Go buy some cats and prepare for
spinsterhood.”

Before I skip off to the pet store, here is some of what I’m considering:

1. Overpopulation. The human species will survive without the contribution of my loin fruit. The species is threatened not by limited wombs but limited resources, which will soon be exhausted with our rates of reproduction and consumption. I’d hate to put my kid in a world where the distribution of resources does not sufficiently provide for the people already there.

2. Orphans. If I ever developed an uncharacteristic hankering to raise a child, I would always choose adoption before creating a tiny replica of myself. The idea of giving birth doesn’t appeal to me knowing there are hundreds of millions of children without parents.

3. Pressure. To set an example. To navigate them through a world. To help them find a place in it. To answer the hard questions. To let them go when they need to go. To protect them but let them forge ahead.

4. Money. College is expensive and not just a way to secure support for myself until someone agrees to marry me and let me have his babies. Children are expensive and would be disappointed by what an English major’s financial prospects can offer.

5. #aintnobodygottimeforthat. Often the inflexible workforce does not allow women to adequately integrate work and family life. Many women choose to be better parents and forego advancement in their careers. I can’t do that. Staying at home with the kids would be stifling for me. I want too much to succeed in my work, so I’d rather forego children altogether than be a halfhearted parent.

6. “Biological function.” I’m not solely an incubator. Maternal yearnings aren’t anywhere in my nature.

7. Opportunity. Many people think they can’t live a full life without having children. I feel like I won’t live a full life if I do. I would drop everything for a child and consequently regret everything I could have done instead. Parenthood is the proud accomplishment of many, but not something I see for myself.

8. My nose. Can’t risk passing on that DNA hiccup. That’d be a mean thing to do to a kid.

­— ambhendr@indiana.edu