There’s no faking ethnicity

Greetings, my fellow Americans.

I, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney, would like to take a few minutes to address some particularly nasty accusations that have been circulating since my Univision interview.

As anyone watching likely noticed, my usually pale complexion had been inexplicably replaced with a heretofore undiscovered color that the Crayola marketing department has tentatively dubbed “sunburnt Oompa Loompa.”

Almost immediately, my detractors accused me of darkening my skin in order to appeal to Latino voters.

It pains me to have to defend this particular wardrobe malfunction.

I had hoped that more Americans would be willing to judge me not based on the color of my skin but on the merit of my ideas.

Yes, my skin was indeed darker, but allow me to dismiss these wild speculations.

No, I did not lose a bet, nor did I kill Sen. Marco Rubio, R-Fla., so I could devour his heart and gain his power to appeal to Latino voters.

Furthermore, this was most certainly not an attempt to appear Hispanic to Univision viewers while I described my family’s time in Mexico.

No, it was to hide the body glitter. I should explain.

As one of the least inspirational politicians imaginable, I have to take great pains to appear likable, empathetic and as unlike an unstoppable Skynet android as possible.
This is something of an uphill battle.

So, several hours before my interview, I made a campaign stop to meet with voters. My opposition to the DREAM Act made things a little awkward at the beginning.

Apparently, demanding that 2 million people voluntarily uproot their lives in order to move into impoverished, violent regions was not a winning strategy.

Soon, though, conversation began in earnest.

One young woman explained that my refusal to offer aid on student loans means that she is going to have to continue working as a stripper.

“But the most important thing, though, is that you stand strong against gay marriage,” she reminded me.

Then, before I could react, she gave me a massive bear hug. I changed suits, but my makeup team could only hide the glitter by adding several additional layers of cover.

I find the idea that anyone could so cynically attempt to exploit one ethnic demographic to be absolutely abhorrent. 

Are we not all Americans, united not by the color of our skin, but rather by our pride and patriotism in this great country?

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to prepare for my meeting with the National Congress of American Indians, and I want my war paint to look meticulous.

That Native American vote isn’t going to court itself.

­— stefsoko@indaina.edu