The spoiled spoils of victory

In preparation for the big game last Friday, IU had the infamous fish removed from Showalter Fountain out of fear that a big IU victory would induce not only celebration but drunken revelry and grand fish theft, as well.

Unfortunately, it turns out the fish’s removal was in vain. Following IU’s loss, Kirkwood Avenue was a far cry from the frenzied celebration after IU’s victory against Kentucky in December. A light rain fell, and no one was in the mood to dance in the street, let alone steal a giant bronze fish.

While the Editorial Board does not condone out-of-control partying or theft, we were happy to see recent legislation that revised standards for public intoxication.

No longer do of-age drinkers need to worry about merely being out and about while drunk. As long as drinkers don’t disrupt the peace or harm others, they can enjoy public space while intoxicated.

We think this is a step in the right direction for partiers waiting for a ride from friends or relying on public transportation.

The slackened grip of the law around the collective neck of drunk students won’t be felt until July 1, long past when Little 500 rolls around. And we’re sorry we didn’t get to celebrate an IU Sweet 16 victory.

Nevertheless, the opportunity made us recall some of our own “harmless” fun while drunk. It inspired others to write tongue-in-cheek suggestions for our next victory.

These stories, in their anonymity, express the strangely justified urge to highjack pointless items while under the influence of alcohol.

Allow us to bask in the “What could’ve been” following the IU-Kentucky rematch with a bit of reminiscing about past spoils of victory.

Thinking Ahead

One night, after spending a considerable amount of time at Kilroy’s, I called a buddy to come take me home.

About halfway home, I saw a parking cone on the side of the street. I immediately yelled at my friend to stop the car, and I’m pretty sure he thought I had to throw up. 

I ran out of the car, grabbed the cone and got back in. He asked, “What the hell is that for?”  I looked at him and said, “Now I can reserve my own parking spot.”

The Forgetful Fox

I’ve never been much for theft. As far as sleuthy, swarthy individuals go, I am not among their ranks. I am, however, quite the expert at losing things, especially when they are right in front of me.

God forbid I go to a store alone, because I’ve been known to spend a good 15 minutes wandering. Following one night on the town, I woke up missing my bag, keys, coat — and here’s the big one — my bike.

A few phone calls later they were promptly recovered, but how I managed to leave my things all around the city of Bloomington was beyond me.

Ask me to steal an entire, huge metal fish from a public fountain, and I would probably pass out from an anxiety attack before you could say, “Stop right there!”

If I somehow manage to get away with it, I’d have misplaced it within the week.

Tipsy Tips

After a long night of petty drunken theft, you begin to trudge back home dejectedly. Your pockets are lined with the usual spoils of a successful night: pocket change, empty pitchers, mostly empty pitchers, somebody’s pacemaker, etc.

A combination of kleptomania and early onset alcohol poisoning still causes you to feel disappointed that you weren’t given the opportunity to abscond with a Showalter Fountain fish.

You want something large and ostentatious to steal. Have you considered a house?

Interestingly, especially around Little 500, Bloomington has a hilariously large number of cases in which drunken students mistakenly wander into strangers’ homes.

Since a terrifying portion of the IDS Opinion charter revolves around messing with drunk people, here are some helpful tips for your next accidental home invasion. Act like you belong there. There is a small but real chance that this person has never met his or her roommate. Bluff and hope for the best.

The first one to call the police wins. Upon realizing your mistake, try calling the police and seeing if they will try to evict the actual tenant.

Seriously, how quickly can you produce proof of home ownership?