Bring it on, Spring Break

Fellow students, we have almost made it. Although February held on for dear life, overstaying its welcome like a clingy ex-boyfriend, March managed to fight back against the bloodthirsty, ruthless scourge of winter.

Despite the one day this week when it snowed — I was all but certain that we would be buried alive by an unstoppable ice volcano, like Mount Vesuvius covering the helpless inhabitants of Pompeii — things really are looking a little brighter.

Now, I don’t know what your plans for spring break are, but chances are you’re living up to the college lifestyle more than I am. Since freshman year, my spring break plans have disastrously and consistently fallen through, mostly at my own hand.

Last year, a few days before break, tragedy befell me while I was simply trying to remain upright and hold very still at an indoor roller rink. Intimidating 12-year-olds in bedazzled jeans were threateningly dashing around to Miley Cyrus’ “Party In the USA,” and before I knew it, I was on the floor.

Given that this was the fourth or fifth consecutive time I had fallen down in the last half-hour, I didn’t think anything of it until I noticed a shooting pain in my right arm.

“Do you want me to take you to the hospital?” a friend asked. I considered it momentarily as I looked over my swollen arm, which was now immobilized by pain. “Uh, probably, yeah.”

A few days and many painkillers later, I was equipped with a hot-pink cast. I had also, under the influence of said painkillers, glued a bunch of rhinestones to it in an attempt to make my situation a little bit more glamorous.

I spent the duration of my spring break doped up on my mom’s couch, picking at the plastic sparkles that would eventually chip off the cast and leave yellow, hardened blobs of glue and dirt in their place.

This break, I have a much-anticipated date with an oral surgeon to get my wisdom teeth removed. If everything goes as planned, I’ll be parked back on the couch, bags of ice on my face, watching “Moonstruck” repeatedly until I have vivid waking dreams in which I actually become Cher.

So if you do have big plans, keep a couple of these hints from an old pro in mind.

Remember, safety first! If you have to leave the couch, use the buddy system with your dog so that you don’t get lost and end up passed out in the backyard. Try not to eat any solid foods, but if you must, limit it to items dusted in artificial cheese powder. If you are going to read a book, don’t overexert yourself.

Now is not the time to pick up “The Sound and the Fury” for a fourteenth try. Instead, try reading one of the many visual companions to the Twilight series or maybe just the back of a cereal box.

Last and most important, wear sunscreen! You wouldn’t want to get any unsightly Snuggie tan lines.

­— alliston@indiana.edu