This week, in crazy

This week, Michele Bachmann, the supreme leader of zealots and evident death of Minnesota’s reputation, made the shocking (and yet, was it really that shocking?) statement that, if elected, she would reinstate the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy.

“It worked before, and what it says is the issue of sexuality is one that doesn’t come up, and people aren’t allowed to be open about it because the United States military is unique. It’s not a social experiment. I take very seriously the job of Commander-in-chief.”

Our leading crazy lady is the reigning champion of knowing exactly how to piss off liberal voters, and is the only recorded politician to have out-Palined Sarah Palin herself (to her fading displeasure).

In a similar vein, Rick Santorum stated so poignantly Sunday on Fox News, “They’re in close quarters. They live with people. They obviously shower with people,” alluding to “all sorts of studies.”

We’re still dealing with the fact that these people are prevalent public figures and have influence simply by running for the 2012 Election.

Here’s a thought: What if a crazy won?

Take this: Bachmann is your leader, and you are under her watchful Snuffleupagus eye.

Your first move is the most important one:  Do you stay in the U.S. or pack up the passport for someplace where conflicts are numbed by blissful apathy, such as Sweden or Canada?

You’d rather stay in the U.S.? That’s fine. Hopefully you’ve gotten married already. Whether you’re gay or straight, New York’s victory will have been repealed, and most likely, Santorum will have outlawed marriages between men and really butch-looking girls, as well as all unions that are just a little too racy.

A recent survey by CBS News proclaims public opinion on same-sex marriage is nearly halved in most parts of America, and 44 percent said, “sexual relations between two adults of the same sex” is “always wrong.”

I advise you to flee to either to one coast or another as Pacific- regioners and New Englanders triumph. Only 27 to 37.5 percent of these groups say same-sex marriage is “always wrong.” Preferably, pick a geographical recluse like Maine or Alaska.

The fact of the matter is, there are a lot of crazies running for president. We’d better start plotting escape plans now while we still have the chance.

Last time I checked, the U.S. was really good at making absolutely horrible decisions. But for now, I will be Portugal-bound, keeping calm and watching Beyonce’s  “Countdown” music video. Long live the popping colors and soothing pregnant bellies.

— ftirado@indiana.edu