Terror of tiny clothes

As far as I’m concerned, hot weather is Hell incarnate.

Sadly, as poor college students, we’re forced to deal with it unless we can afford a few cabana boys with large palm leaves to accompany us to class.

I think the only thing more offensive than having to do something productive on a hot day is the constant assault on my eyes by all of the terrible wardrobe choices the weather elicits. When this occurs, I welcome winter.

I’ve bemoaned men’s clothing choices in the past. In hot weather, however, women are the worst offenders. And, unfortunately, it is our goodies that become problematic.

When it’s hot out, women seem to have an irresistible urge to slut it up. Boobs and butts are out in the open, flying around. Fun as this may sound (especially if you’re a man), it often veers more toward wrong than right.

Take, for example, leggings. In cold weather, they are at least somewhat modestly paired with long sweaters and sweatshirts. Yet, in the summer, women seem to throw their inhibitions to the wind. Leggings (or tights, as many men confusedly know them) are paired with flip-flops and cropped tees or tiny tank tops.

Are you J. Lo, Beyonce or Kim Kardashian? If not, chances are, no one really cares much about your butt. In fact, chances are, we’d rather not see each individual cheek move with every step you take.

Most of us don’t have perfectly toned, surgically enhanced backsides.
However, this does not mean you can instead resort to tiny denim shorts (or, as I call them, underwear shorts).

If your shorts stop just shy of exposing the bottom crease of your butt cheek, they’re probably too short. And, like leggings, underwear shorts look terrible on almost everyone.

On the opposite side of the goody spectrum, there’s been an epidemic of bikini tops and visible bras. Bikini tops do not double as everyday bras.

We know you’re not hopping on the next flight to the Riviera after your math class. Even if you were, you’d have time to change. Please, put a bra on.

And as for those who wear shirts with low backs, thus exposing their bras: You are just asking for someone to unhook it as a joke. We all know we can’t trust the men on this campus.

So, women, take this winter as a time to atone for your bad choices made in the literal heat of the moment.

You’ve been blinded by the freedom and oppressive heat that is IU in the summer months, but it’s time to be ladylike again.

It really doesn’t take much, and you decrease your chances of contracting frostbite on your important bits.

­— kelfritz@indiana.edu