The GOP's Most Irrelevant: Rick Santorum

Name Rick Santorum
Height 6’4”
Why he’s still in the race America needs to be reminded that gays are subhuman monsters.

We all know that Rick Santorum has an image problem. The internet has turned his name into a code word for a vile, sexual residue, and an image search for his name shows a hilarious picture of his sobbing family following his unsuccessful senate reelection campaign in 2006. I encourage you to Google both.

He has few, if any, loyal followers and has received an average of 2 percent of Republicans’ support in polls.  But these are not the reasons Santorum is irrelevant. The former senator from Pennsylvania is irrelevant because he is honest. He openly admits the secrets which lurk behind the policies of the other candidates.

When he compared homosexuality to bestiality and incest, he didn’t shock any social conservatives.  After all, every serious Republican candidate opposes marriage equality.  But while they talk about defending tradition and protecting our children, Rick isn’t afraid to call it like he really sees it, even if that means painting millions of honest Americans as lurking pedophiles.

It’s a hard job, being as open and honest as Rick, but we should be grateful that someone is willing to do it.

After all, where would we be without someone willing to call not only for attacks on Iran but even to suggest that Venezuela is deserving of some military attention?

Once again, Rick was there to spout nonsense and half-truths while showing us how truly insane the rest of the Republican candidates are by merit of sharing many of his positions. Without Rick gesticulating wildly while crowing about “Islamic Fascism,” would anyone have bothered to look into the other candidates’ positions and realized that they’re all just as crazy? 

Rick is doing us a service, even if it means he’s sacrificing his legitimacy as a candidate. But his willingness to act as crazy as all Republicans feel deserves our accolades. Yes, Rick Santorum is a joke. Unfortunately, the punch line is bigotry and war.