The GOP's Most Irrelevant: Newt Gingrich

Name Newt Gingrich
Height 3’3”(estimate)
Why he’s still in the race
The White House is not yet sitting atop a cliff on Paradise Falls.

Newt Gingrich — what a man, what a mighty good man. I want to take a minute or two and give much respect to the man that’s made a difference in our world.

You might know Newt Gingrich from his fanciful role in the Academy Award-winning film “Up”, where he played a disgruntled old man who learns to live again. Wait, no, I must be mistaken. The guy from “Up” wasn’t a fear-mongering ass-hat with a million fake Twitter followers.

I’m not going to front like Gingrich didn’t have his hey day in the political world. He was the orchestrator of the Contract with America in the 1990s, and he was cutting taxes before it was cool. But that was in the ’90s. And since he left office in 1998, all he’s done is make a lot of money riding the Reagan gravy train.

Newt is the big man on national security. He believes the government’s most important task is to protect the American people. His website says, “Newt advocates sound policies to keep Americans safe based on timeless American principles.” Yes, timeless American principles like wiretapping and condemning Muslims — our one and only threat according to Newt.org.

Gingrich is one of the least electable candidates in the GOP, not because most of his professional campaign staff left him in June or because his campaign is rumored to be $1 million in debt.

Gingrich is unelectable because he represents everything America hates right now: pseudo-intellectual, old, white guys who aren’t Rick Perry or Mitt Romney. Maybe the next generation will be able to look beyond the wrinkles of his pale saggy skin, but right now, Americans just aren’t ready for his kind of people.

Let’s face it. Unless he’s participating in a Halloween costume contest, he isn’t going to win anything. Every time I see him on the debate stage I keep thinking a little Asian boy and a talking dog are going to pull him aside and remind him they still have to save Kevin and her chicks. Newt, what are you doing on stage? Go save her.