Steve Jobs is gone, hipsters aghast

Where were you when Steve Jobs quit?

I was sitting in front of my MacBook Pro, watching my favorite Pixar movie while syncing my iPhone with music purchased from iTunes. The news devastated me.

A single tear fell from my eye and landed on the screen of my iPad. “Who am I now?” I whispered to myself. “Who am I going to buy cool crap from now?!”

To say that Wednesday was a dark day for everyone who relies on Apple products is an understatement. I felt lost, like I had no control over my world or the wireless networks I use my Apple products to enjoy. I can’t lie, I am a man with little taste of my own.

I rely on the opinions of others and the price tags of my products to tell me what to buy. Steve Jobs was the guy who knew what was cool before it even existed. He knew what I needed before I knew I needed it. Steve always had an unusual way of dishing out enlightenment.
For instance, I didn’t realize how much my life sucked until I bought an iPad. Only after Steve Jobs gives us everything are we free to do anything. Steve Jobs leaving Apple was obviously huge news, and everyone gathered around their fireplace apps to recount memories of good ol’ Stevie.

Of course, we can’t understand all that Jobs has done for society in today’s terms, so writers must relegate him to being a genius from the past. Basically, everyone settled on claiming Jobs this generation’s Thomas Edison. Both have been known for having no problem claiming the ideas and creations of others as their own. Jobs didn’t even feel the need to deny accusations, once saying, “We have always been shameless about stealing great ideas.”

But stealing ideas wasn’t the only link between the two. Steve Jobs improved technology in the same fields as Edison, such as the telephone.

Taking both the success and the aura that Jobs has into account, it’s only a matter of time until some other person will be called the Steve Jobs of his or her generation. But what will happen to the company I love so much in a post-Steve Jobs world? I know nothing about Apple outside of Jobs. Therefore, I can only assume the worst.

How could one argue that Apple can still be the company it was with Jobs? Apple losing Steve Jobs is worse than the North Pole losing Santa Claus. Those silly Apple elves who designed Steve’s ideas couldn’t be creative enough to come up with brilliant ideas on their own, could they?

­— agreiner@indiana.edu

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This is a radish article. It should be taken as satire and not actual opinion