Internet Explorer: the Browser of Failures

My nickname from freshman year was Old Man.

Why? I blame Internet Explorer. Upon others’ discovery that I used Internet Explorer as my browser, the hazing ensued. I was accused of having false teeth, walking with a cane, hating the youth and of generally participating in geriatric shenanigans. None of my protests to the name calling were heeded — especially in light of the patch of gray hair on the back of my head.

I was outdated. I was asking for a virus. My interface was less sleek than the cool kids’ interfaces. Needless to say, upon hearing this, my world collapsed. How could I have been so blind? It does seem that anyone using Internet Explorer might as well give up studying at a university: you’re an idiot, stop wasting everyone else’s time. This was at least how I felt, and a part of me was right.

Is the use of Internet Explorer comparable to using finger paints? Is Google Chrome or FireFox really that much better? The answers are yes and yes.
 
Crayons are to oil paints as Internet Explorer is to Google Chrome. This I firmly believe. There is a reason that finger paints are associated with kindergarten classrooms and activity rooms in nursing homes. It is the browser of the weak, the illiterate, the toothless, the half-blind and the incontinent. I was those things once too, but then my friends showed me the truth of other browsers and the lie that claims to explore the Internet when all it does is make its user a wretch, an outcast, a fool.

What do you do if someone you know or love uses Internet Explorer? The first thing to remember is not to hate him or her. This requires self-restraint and a heroic effort to overcome what is a natural response to the filthy browser. Step two is the confrontation — this is often difficult. The victim will respond defensively, insisting that browsers “aren’t that different, man,” urging you to “get a grip” because it’s “not that big of a deal.” These are lies. See through them. If the victim refuses to stop using Internet Explorer you must resort to step three: break the computer. That’s right. Just smash the damn thing. The victim may respond negatively at first, but he or she will thank you later.

Now if you, dear reader, currently use Internet Explorer — which would shock me as you are reading this, and users of IE are usually illiterate — please seek help. If you refused to do anything but finger paint all day, you would seek help. This is the same thing. I too once used it. I too was old and incompetent. But look at me now, I write for the IDS and use Safari. This could be you too!


­— mthomas5@indiana.edu