How to solve everything ever

Today I am announcing my intention to run for president of the United States of America. I know exactly how to solve the budget. I know exactly how to stop all of our endless wars. But most importantly I know how to make everyone in our nation safe and happy.

My platform will include two amendments to the Constitution.

First we need to keep girls out of the Clubhouse. By that I mean the Congress. For two decades I’ve been studying their alternative lifestyle and have come to the conclusion that they do in fact have cooties, they ruin anything that is fun, and for some inconceivable reason they do not enjoy poop jokes.

I’ve tried to cooperate with them before, but they always react negatively to the bugs I capture for them. In addition, I have reason to believe they might be spies trying to sabotage our important boy business in the Clubhouse.

My second amendment will make everything free.

I came up with this idea in November of 1995 while watching CNN with my mother and father. The government was shutting down right in front of our eyes.

I was an obnoxiously cute 5-year-old ROFLing about the living room repeating “I know the answer” over and over in a Damien from “The Omen” kind of way. My father, a long time horror film enthusiast, looked at me with a pale solemn face and asked what I meant.

He knew that I was either about to speak in tongues or say something stupid. I slowly turned around and told him it was all quite simple: Make everything free. He laughed and told me that in the real world things are not that simple.

I firmly believe he was wrong then and is still wrong now. I assure you this is totally a legit strategy. General Electric is already ahead of the curve. It has adopted the live free or die hard mentality of Bruce Willis by not paying its taxes last year.

Now I know there are plenty of naysayers out there, namely economists, politicians, my father and other so-called “rational thinkers,” or, as I like to call them, mean-faced butt-munches.

They say things like: “We need prices to determine the value of products,” “We must value products so that trade can be conducted in a fair way” and “No, you cannot have cookies for breakfast.”

I say they could not be more mistaken. Through incredible advances in breakfast-related science I am currently eating a bowl filled with tiny cookies and milk.

Your move, economists.

­— nicjacob@indiana.edu