Thoroughly modern musicals

WE SAY It takes a lot of courage to revamp a classic Broadway play like “Annie,” but it seems that hip-hop recording artist Jay-Z and Mr. Blockbuster himself, Will Smith, have decided that not only is it time for “Annie” to be brought back to the stage and screen, but also that Smith’s daughter Willow Smith is perfect for the title role.

Yes. You heard it right. The princess to the Smith dynasty will be reprising the role of the freckled, red-headed orphan Annie before you know it.

In an interview, Jay-Z spoke about the rumor buzzing through Hollywood.

“The Overbrook Entertainment family and I have a unified vision. We’ve already produced a Tony Award winning play, and we’re developing a true superstar in Willow,” he said.

The president of Columbia Pictures recently released a statement, along with Jay-Z, expressing his confidence in Willow Smith: “Of course, we’re true believers in Willow’s talent and believe she will be perfect in this role.”

In light of Will Smith and Co.’s decision to exercise their creative visions, the Opinion editorial board has decided to revamp a few classic musicals in the way we would like to watch them.

Mary Poppins
In a daring new production of the classic Broadway musical, “Mary Poppins,” the English nanny switches teams. While employed with the Banks family, she promotes her liberal gay agenda to emasculate the misogynistic Mr. Banks. Seeking to emphasize themes of feminine empowerment in the prior versions, Poppins is revamped into a boisterous, much butcher libertarian along with her friend Bert, a member of the gay chimney sweep union. They tweak songs like “A Spoonful of Sugar Helps The American Family Association Go Down” and utilize “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” as a euphemism for the Banks children’s sex education. The nanny claims that even though she likes girls, Mary Poppins is “practically perfect in every way” and eventually falls in love with the sister suffragette, Mrs. Banks.

—Francisco Tirado

Rent
Set in 2008 during the heat of the mortgage crisis, “Rent” stars a completely heterosexual cast of friends who have recently been laid off from their jobs and evicted from their pricey apartments. Living on the streets of the Big Apple, they’ve seen the fallout of corporate greed and predatory lending firsthand. However, they chalk up their circumstances to “personal responsibility” and refuse to apply for housing or food assistance. They sleep on park benches while applying for white-collar jobs, not willing to do work that’s “below them.” They eventually all die of starvation, despite living down the street from a gourmet soup kitchen. The show concludes with a moving rendition of the famous “Seasons of Love,” a libertarian-themed rap performed by their disgruntled ghosts.

—Brendan Iglehart

The Queen and I
In “The Queen and I,” a rogue school-teacher, Anna, and her son are contracted by Queen Victoria and Prince Albert  to teach the children of England. But her unconventional methods throw her into odds with the royal family. Her “modern” teachings call for reverse-colonization and a less rigid social environment. Despite this, Anna stays and teaches for the children. Soon, Anna falls in love with the Queen and teaches her to not worry about foreign affairs, or her husband.  With a dynamite musical collaboration of Amy Winehouse  and Mick Jagger  re-imaging the original score, and an all star British cast including Cate Blanchett  as Anna, Ewan McGregor  as Prince Albert, and Kate Winslet  as the Queen.  

—Mitchell Fiandt

West Side Story
From Academy Award winning director Quintin Tarantino, starring Javier Bardem and Edward Norton, comes a gritty glimpse of the violent life styles of two New York City gangs. Bardem plays Bernardo, the leader of the Tiger Sharks, a gang of racist Puerto Rican thugs. He discovers his sister Maria is in love with Tony (Norton), the infamous drug dealer and leader of a rival white brotherhood gang. As Tony and Maria continue their forbidden romance, Bernardo finds himself leading his men into a full-scale gang war that threatens to destroy both men. On the West Side, the only thing thicker than blood is family.

—Thomas Miller

Kiss Me Kate
Tobey McGuire and Taylor Swift will step into the roles of Fred Graham and Lilli Vanessi, respectively, in the brand new “Kiss Me Kate” (now known as “Beat Me Kate”). This time around, McGuire will play a less egotistical Graham, which should be an easy transition from his usual timid characterizations. Swift however, will stay much the same for her character Vanessi, a diva who is desperate for attention, by drawing much of her inspiration from the red carpet kings of Hollywood who manage to break her heart ... every ... single ... time. The sweet twist? When Graham decides to put his foot down, the play turns into the story of a man-beating diva who pummels her husband between scenes, eventually scaring him into casting her in every lead role for his future productions.

—Aysia Matz

Fiddler on the Roof
Tobey McGuire and Taylor Swift will step into the roles of Fred Graham and Lilli Vanessi, respectively, in the brand new “Kiss Me Kate” (now known as “Beat Me Kate”). This time around, McGuire will play a less egotistical Graham, which should be an easy transition from his usual timid characterizations. Swift however, will stay much the same for her character Vanessi, a diva who is desperate for attention, by drawing much of her inspiration from the red carpet kings of Hollywood who manage to break her heart ... every ... single ... time. The sweet twist? When Graham decides to put his foot down, the play turns into the story of a man-beating diva who pummels her husband between scenes, eventually scaring him into casting her in every lead role for his future productions.

—Aysia Matz