The new social experience

There are very few things in life that are more entertaining than people-watching. Everybody does it.

In fact, the genius behind Facebook isn’t the applications and games but the mass appeal of knowing far too much about everybody else’s business.

Zuckerberg didn’t create a successful social network; he just streamlined and perfected stalking into an alarming electronic addiction. The man is brilliant.

Now, there are three types of college students: those who admit to facestalking, those who lie, and of course, those who refuse to submit to the societal pressures of having a Facebook page.

While there are those who take the practice too far, Internet creeping is normally just a harmless manifestation of our own curiosities and the need to feel in-the-know.
Rarely, if ever, do I have to bother telling anyone outside of my parents that I am currently listed as “in a relationship,” “single” or “it’s complicated.”

So, what am I proposing? We should embrace our deepest vice and put our addiction to better, more efficient use.

Consider dating, for example. Why should men and women painstakingly waste time and money on several dinners, movies or whatever other benign activity, when both probably already have each other’s profile memorized backward and
forward by the time they go on the date?

If the purpose of dating is to get to know someone well enough to decide if compatibility and chemistry are present, we should all just consider reading through each other’s “likes” on social sites and then jump into the first kiss to immediately test the existence of that sexual spark. It will save countless expenditures and wasted evenings trying to find “the one.”

Furthermore, normal social conventions will be essentially obsolete.
Never again will it be necessary to politely endure an awkward encounter as an acquaintance rambles off every unfortunate detail of his or her life. In fact, all social charades of sympathy and empathy could be eliminated or replaced with more accurate displays of informed apathy.

Perhaps the most compelling benefit of facestalking, however, is the total termination of all interpersonal interaction.

Thanks to the ever-informative mini-feed and the ease of access to all sorts of personal information, it’s no longer necessary to actually partake in the human experience.
Instead of venturing out into the world in order to share our lives with one another, logging on is now the only thing that’s required. So why not embrace it and live vicariously through each of our own computer screens?

Besides, it’s not like it really happened unless it’s on Facebook anyway.


E-mail: smech@indiana.edu