Not the rabbi’s decision

This weekend, my brother asked me what would happen if I married a man who isn’t Jewish.

Of course, being particularly interested in getting married and starting a family sooner rather than later, I had an answer for that: As long as he agrees to raise the kids Jewish, I don’t care.

The subject of intermarriage has come into the spotlight recently, with the upcoming nuptials of Chelsea Clinton and conservative Jew Marc Mezvinsky. Will Chelsea convert? Will a rabbi officiate the wedding? In what tradition will they raise the children?

All are important questions — not just for Chelsea and Marc but for every interfaith couple, whether or not one of the partners is Jewish.

Interfaith marriage has been on the rise during the past two decades, just as interest in religion has been lessening among young people. I can see the difference in the generations of my own family.

My grandmother married a Jew, and all of her friends are Jewish. My mother and her three sisters all married non-Jews, all of whom agreed to raise their children Jewish. My cousins and I date whom we please and don’t put kids into the equation.

For the Jewish community at large, this is a troubling trend.

Jews have always been a numerical minority, and the religion has not recovered from the loss of 6 million adherents during the Holocaust. If the increase in interfaith marriages means a decrease in the number of kids who identify themselves as  Jewish, what will happen to the religion?

Many see converting as the solution because no conversion means no rabbi officiating the ceremony. And Jewish groups, aided by the Israeli government, send Jewish kids to Israel for practically no cost to cement their bond to the country and to their religion.

Even as I understand their concerns, I roll my eyes at those who would forbid the union. Refusing to marry two people unless one converts to the other’s religion is petty.

In fact, I think it pushes people into doing exactly what those rabbis are trying to prevent. He won’t marry them? Well, they want to get married, so they get a justice of the peace to do it. Or worse — they get a minister.

And since Judaism is matrilineal, if the wife isn’t Jewish, then the kids aren’t considered Jewish. So why would they feel the need to raise the kids in the synagogue? And there go several potential Jews, who choose a more accepting religion or aren’t religious at all.

People should choose with whom they want to go forth and multiply without concerns about what religious elders think. It’s none of their business.

And in a day and age when fewer and fewer Jews are sticking with the tribe, having a more welcoming and inclusive attitude would go a long way toward keeping people involved.

Maybe that’s only an attitude I can have because I haven’t met the man I want to marry and haven’t had to decide anything about my future kids.

But when the time comes to have the kids discussion, I’m glad it’s up to me and him. Our kids, our decision. Not the rabbis’.


E-mail: hanns@indiana.edu