Radish: Fuck the water Temple

I’ll be the first to admit that starting off on this adventurous quest was the best possible thing for me. There wasn’t much of a future in my village where we listened to a talking tree. But when that dying beech told me to head off on a journey, I never imagined that would include wading through this god damned water temple for so long that my skin’s become permanently pruned.

It doesn’t help that I seem to be the only one doing anything about the blight plaguing Hyrule. There sure are a lot of people who know about all these magical items but are content to leave them sit in dungeons.

Hey mystical temple gods, you do an amazing job burying keys in these places, but Ganon keeps breaking out of that spirit world I keep sending him to. Maybe you should worry about that more than filling this place. Then I wouldn’t be here risking water intoxication. How about a fresh cookie temple? No one seems to be in these places worshipping water. Might be time for a new god.

I’ve been in this temple for days. I fall asleep and see nothing but blue. Blue and awkward sex dreams about those weird Zora fish-people.

Oh look! Ganon showed up! He’s the guy behind all of this, so I’m ready to give him a piece of my mind. Finally something’s going to happen!

Never mind. It was just some shadow version of him to taunt me and knock several hearts off my life bar. It’s obvious I’m supposed to open this giant door with water. Everything here is like that. Can we just skip the next three hours of me adjusting levers until I get the specific amount of fluids some deranged engineer thought was necessary?

I swear to the spirits, if I go through all this trouble and there’s nothing in this room but a few rupees, I’m going to just quit and go play Mario Party. I’d rather deal with random dice rolls and button mashing than this watery Rube Goldberg machine from hell.