Bomb Eyjafjallajökull

Last week a volcano erupted in Eyjafjallajökull, Iceland. If you can’t pronounce that, it’s OK; neither can I. So let’s just call the city of the volcano Hannes, shall we?

The blast has kept European flights grounded for days. Now normally I wouldn’t care about what happens in Europe and neither should you. They are thousands of miles away from us, and most of them don’t speak English — therefore they are irrelevant to you and me.

But this volcano has made its presence known to America by costing our airlines millions of dollars in travel revenue. Like the attack on Pearl Harbor, Hannes has awoken the sleeping giant.

The last time this mountain spurted it did so for 14 months. Since April 15, as a whole, the big five American airlines with flights to and from Europe have lost an average of $21.9 million per day. We’re looking at more than $9 billion in lost revenues if Hannes keeps unloading its ashes for as long as it spewed before. This could potentially bankrupt the entire airline industry.

What do we do about it?

Good question.

Since there is no mountain-sized version of Tums to calm Hannes’ mighty indigestion, I see only one other option: the use of tactical nuclear weapons.

Indeed the time for bilateral negotiations has passed; European leaders are simply trying to appease Hannes by grounding all their flights. But this simply reinforces its actions.

In order to put a cork in Hannes’ volcano’s O face, we need to drop a few ICBMs in his pie hole. Nothing major, just the complete annihilation of the countryside.

The wonderful part of this solution is that there will be absolutely no negative side effects that I can foresee.

But what about the cute herds of sheep that graze on its pastures?

Those sheep have been living with Hannes’ belligerence for generations; they knew this day would come. If they do not want to be obliterated, the sheep can vote with their hooves. Honestly, you should be saving your sympathy for sheep living in the continental United States.

But America can’t drop a nuclear bomb on Hannes. Iceland is protected by the Nuclear Posture Review that President Obama signed earlier this month.

We never found any WMDs in Iraq, though, and we still invaded. I haven’t heard much about Iraq in a while. No news is good news, so I assume it was a resounding success and that bombing Hannes could be just as successful.   

In addition, the Nuclear Posture Review has yet to be ratified by the Senate, meaning Obama still has time to push the button.

It’s kind of like getting sloppy with a stripper at your bachelor party one last time before you tie the knot. Yeah, it can ruin your reputation, but it’s worth it because once you say “I do,” you won’t be dropping any bombs for a long time. Am I right guys? Don’t answer that.

We are working against the clock. Every day that Hannes’ volcano relieves itself into the sky, Americans lose another dollar. And every day that passes, the Senate gets closer to eliminating our only viable option for dealing with Hannes’ ashen discharge.


E-mail: nicjacob@indiana.edu