Give Comcast a chastity belt

Comcast purchased controlling stock in NBC Universal last week, and I cried in my bed about what it might mean for the future of television.

As I ran through the streets howling about the oncoming doom, I was met with little sympathy. Screaming paranoia isn’t a new thing for me, but I’m shocked at the casual disregard we take toward powerful companies.

People no longer cower in fear when they hear about “The Man.” Google is positioning itself to merge with our dreams via this newfangled Google Wave, and scientists have pioneered walking robots that can’t be tripped. The Matrix is real, people!

The deal makes perfect sense for both companies. Cable television will likely (and hopefully) be extinct in the next decade with Internet television, and NBC hasn’t been able to take some of the best programming available and turn it into a profitable company. Comcast benefited from the desperation of GE much like Emperor Palpatine seduced Anakin over to the Dark Side.

In the late 1940s, the government ordered Paramount Pictures to break up its monopoly in owning both production and distribution parts of the industry. The decision lacked the punch that was intended, but it still opened the gates for independent and foreign productions to eventually get their foot in the door. Last week’s announcement is essentially a reversal of that way of thinking.

NBC has previously teamed up with other networks on sites such as Hulu, a progressive step toward the future of media digestion. What does this mean for its future when Comcast’s major motivation will be to stifle digital distribution like Darth Vader choked that rebel soldier?

With parts of this country where Comcast is the only choice for cable, there’s an obvious conflict of interest with this merger. Comcast already owns a few fringe channels, but the Golf Channel isn’t equivalent to the National Broadcasting Corporation. If the executives of these companies already can’t find a way to turn the same ads they show on broadcast to equal revenue when streamed online, this merger could be a backward step.

Am I being skeptical? Of course, and that’s what the FCC should be when they review mergers such as this. The freedom of American everything is a great national trait that makes wonderful bumper stickers. However, we have to expect every business to push the boundaries until it eventually gets caught doing something unethical.

Much like with fathers of buxom teenage girls, caution is key. It’s better to keep young Tiffany in on Saturday night. She might resent you for a while, and the party she missed was pretty awesome; however, you also prevented her from making a few bad mistakes and getting knocked up by a guy named Mitch.

FCC, I’m asking you to sit Comcast down, tell them a strong “no” or at least give them a few condoms.