Calling all toilet snobs

Before I even begin to discuss the profound subject matter this article will contain, let me warn you that the word “poop” and all of its derivatives will be used with casual frequency. That being said, let’s continue.

Our campus is a beautiful one. Our academic buildings are sprinkled between smatterings of lush trees and charming streams. Buildings boast limestone
facades and majestic architecture.

But there is a quiet terror rotting beneath this elegance. A number of the public bathrooms are unpoopable.

The term “unpoopable,” according to me, means that the facility in question presents enough obstacles to make the act of pooping all but impossible during normal circumstances. Some of these unpoopable bathrooms can’t be bothered to include doors on the stalls. Others have no toilet seat to act as a buffer between your buttocks and the recently peed-on rim.

But the lack of certain physical amenities is only one issue people like myself face. I am what I call a toilet snob. Unless someone slipped Ex-Lax into my Benefiber, there are certain conditions I must check off before I poop:

The toilet water must be transparent. If I can’t see the bottom, there is a problem.
I might permit a fellow pooper to have at it in the stall next to me, but I will not allow myself to be surrounded. Two poopers flanking me is unacceptable.

So, where can one poop safely on campus and still meet the aforementioned requirements?

Although I can’t present an entire “Best Of IU Bathrooms” list in this rather short column, I can offer a few highlights.

For any toilet snobs in Swain West, you have two options. The first is the women’s bathroom in the small alcove next to room 119. This is usually very clean and almost always empty. In fact, I have used it myself on multiple occasions with no ill consequences.

This forgotten poop haven is a must for both genders. Your second option is to take the shortcut to Swain East. You will travel down a few stairs before reaching the ground floor, where two beautiful and pristine bathrooms exist – a Sistine Chapel of toilets.

My next recommendation is for all library goers. If the bathrooms on the main floor aren’t cutting it, I suggest taking the elevator up a few levels. The bathrooms located on the upper floors are almost always vacant, and usually spotless. And while you’re there, you could spend some time perusing the endless aisles of musty reading material. I sometimes do this hoping to have a Pagemaster moment.

Lastly, if you just devoured a bag of prunes and find yourself in Ballantine Hall, travel to the fourth floor. The elevator goes there, and you’ll find the faculty bathrooms. Almost untouched by student-kind, this is Ballantine Hall’s secret apology for the sub-par bathrooms located on the first three floors.

I hope you found this useful. Although there may now be a significant rise in the occupancy of these under-utilized bathrooms, I believe every toilet snob deserves to know about any potential bathroom asylum. So good luck pooping.

E-mail: joskraus@indiana.edu