Obama wants to eat your kids

It’s two in the afternoon; do you know where your children are?

Perhaps they’re at school, hearing President Obama’s speech to students. Or maybe you kept them at home today, protecting them from the harmful rays Obama will be transmitting out of the talky box.

Yes, tremble in fear.

Until I build a time machine with the purpose of observing each president’s reign, I’ll wonder if politics were always like this. Did Pennsylvanians retreat into their log cabins when Benjamin Franklin stepped out on the public log pile to talk about his new invention made of logs? Did they plug their children’s ears with tiny twig logs?

If you oppose Obama’s views and want to teach your spawn proper values, the worst thing to do is shelter them from the media – unless you are trying to make an underground militia of soldier babies, in which case then maybe that’s a good brainwashing tactic.

Very few school kids care about politics and are much more interested in what new game came out that week or how one of the girls developed breasts over the weekend.

In fact, by making their kids stay home, conservative parents have inadvertently made Obama cooler. Red state children around the country must be screaming, “Thanks, Obama! Now I don’t have to do homework today, and I can watch Jerry Springer!”

According to the Department of Education, Obama’s speech “will challenge students to work hard, set educational goals, and take responsibility for their learning.”

Has there ever been a time when kids enjoyed being preached at to work hard? Unless Obama turns his speech into a cover of Will Smith’s “Parents Just Don’t Understand” (with Joe Biden filling the role of DJ Jazzy Jeff), Obama will only seem boring and old. And kids hate old. That’s why they’ll never age.

Detractors are treating Obama’s message to students like The Big O’s going to whisper through the TV “If your parents are Republicans, they’re poisoning your food. Also, the Democrats have free PlayStations.” Then he’ll reach through the TV like “Poltergeist” and bite into them with his fangs. That night at the dinner table, they’ll declare their allegiance to socialism and eat the family crest.

As a youngling, I never understood why my father would listen to conservative radio like Mike Gallagher and Rush Limbaugh. He didn’t agree with anything those men said, and car rides usually consisted of him yelling back at the radio.

If my dad’s truck radio was self-aware, it would’ve felt humiliated every day the way my dad berated it. Thankfully life is not a Pixar movie. But Poppa Quandt tuned into those programs and forced me to listen to them so at least I can hear another side of the story. True, that other side sometimes played a song called “Barack The Magic Negro,” but that’s not important.

Parents have plenty of time to influence their children, but presenting your children with a variety of opposing views slightly insures they won’t rebel and become a complete opposite of you when they turn 18.