James Bond, not Ron Jeremy

Class is in session and I’ve already learned so much information, like the difference between bison and buffalo and how to make napalm.

The funny thing is none of that was taught in class.

Actually, nothing was taught in class, at least to me – which means my mind is still in Welcome Week mode.

I’m assuming I’m not the only one who has this mindset at the moment, being that I got invitations to parties all this week.

So I feel as though this weekend, we’ll all have to put up with some more freshman antics. And among all their antics, one stands above the rest.

The unambiguous “sluttiness” exhibited by horny college kids is usually quite entertaining. I watch freshmen guys try to pick up girls at parties all the time, with varying results.

But it’s not only freshmen I have a bone to pick with. This goes for all levels of college.
It’s not the want of a warm body and a noisy room that bugs me. It’s the lack of class that comes with trying to fulfill those dreams.

I get that you’re drunk but, ladies and gentlemen, saying something Ron Jeremy would say probably isn’t the best way to hop in the sack.

And even if that line does work, I don’t think it would be a good idea to get down and dirty with the person who went for it.

It doesn’t matter how much weight you could squat in high school, that you were prom king of some tiny town in the middle of a cornfield or how hot everyone thought you were.

No one cares.

On top of that, going up to a group of people and grinding on them might work now and then, but I wouldn’t keep it in my playbook.

And let’s be honest, getting drunk and getting laid don’t go hand in hand. Nothing good can come from it.

Sure, you could have amazing sex, but you’ll never remember it.

Then there’s the whole issue of not using a condom and pulling a “Knocked Up” and having a whole plethora of other issues.

What you definitely don’t want is to wake up in the morning and have Coyote Ugly looking you in the face. Who knows how many sessions of psychiatric therapy you’ll have to go through to get rid of that image.

So I beg of you, put a little James Bond in your life, and lose some of that Ron Jeremy.

Play it cool. Don’t talk about how tough you are. Let it come to you instead of pursuing anything with a nice pair of legs.

Sure, this is going to take some party entertainment away, but it’s better than me being pissed when I overhear slurred, cheesy, overused pickup lines.

Do these things and I guarantee you’ll be leaving your attractive, nimble, young, non-Coyote partner shaken, not stirred.