Get drunk, not fat

If you are reading this, congratulations on being sober. If you are not sober and reading this, congratulations on being at IU.

Welcome Week is back.

The week brings with it students marching back and forth from rented U-Hauls and their teary-eyed mothers sitting in the passenger seat, trying to compose themselves enough to say goodbye.

When night falls, the whole scene changes. Girls are dressed to impress, looking like they just mugged the mannequin at Forever 21.

As they make their way up Jordan or down to Third Street, they are usually being followed by a group of 10 to 15 guys, all wearing similar outfits.

While the girls try to figure out which frat to go to, every guy has his fingers crossed, hoping he knows someone working the door.

And as the girls go into the frat after the guys are instantaneously ejected from the party, they are showered with golden goodness pouring out of little red cups.

Now, before I continue I want to make something crystal clear – I do not condone underage drinking at all.

IU is technically a dry campus. I myself have never had any alcoholic beverages ever – definitely not last night.

So this information I’m about to share with you doesn’t concern me at all but might just help you out. It might just help all of us out in the long run.

If you haven’t been there already, please visit www.getdrunknotfat.com.

If the name doesn’t say it all, it is a Web site that ranks alcoholic beverages on their calorie-to-alcohol ratio. And if it’s not obvious, being that you’re probably drunk right now, lower calorie count with a higher amount of alcohol is better.

The best liquor is Everclear, while the best beer is King Cobra. The makers of this Web site clearly care nothing for taste. Not that I would know that, being that I’ve never drunk any alcoholic beverage ... ever.

So why would I think this information is vital if I get nothing out of knowing it? Good question.

I think there are two things freshmen do phenomenally. One – get wasted off tiny amounts of alcohol. And two – take up space and use much-needed oxygen at the gym.

When Welcome Week is done, the gym will be packed with girls running, trying to avoid the dreaded “freshman 15,” and guys who decided bulking up would be a nice change of pace.

I’ll disregard that most of them will be using the machines the wrong way in the first place and just say that talking about working out while at the gym and working out at the gym are two completely different things.

The first one doesn’t really help you bulk up.

So do me a favor. Visit the Web site and take in fewer calories. That way, you can drink, not get fat and avoid the gym altogether.

See? This might just help us all out in the long run. How precious.