40 days and 40 nights

Not being a particularly Catholic person myself, I generally ignore the Lenten season.

I usually spend Fat Tuesday with all the other non-Catholics looking for some excuse to party, Ash Wednesday trying to take my friends and peers seriously despite the enormous black marks on their foreheads and then resort to teasing and tempting my Lent-participating acquaintances with chocolates, booze, a hamburger or whatever they gave up for the remaining days until Easter. For all my life, this has been the extent of my Lenten participation.

This year, however, I have felt moved to take part in Lent. It could be because I failed to keep a single one of my New Year’s resolutions. Or maybe I just finally gave in to the nagging of friends who are tired of me tagging ridiculously embarrassing photos of them on Facebook after they vowed to give up the site for 40 days.

Regardless, I have decided to spend the next several weeks deprived of something – but what? Giving up chocolate is absolutely out of the question. Alcohol? No way.

I read online about one girl who gave up her boyfriend. This seemed pretty reasonable, except the dating adviser’s column she posted strongly advised against this – and my boyfriend expressed mild discontent with the idea.

Homework seemed like a spectacular idea; after all, I believe I’ve earned a break after midterms. Think of all the time that would free up! Unfortunately, my parents nixed this one.
Then the perfect sacrifice dawned on me: TV. I know it’s pretty ambitious considering the upcoming Lenten lineup, but I think I can do it.

The first week of March, U2 is appearing on Letterman not one, not two, but five nights in a row. I think missing five U2 performances is much more propitiatory than 40 days without meat. Not to mention that this is a historic moment for the Letterman show, which has never featured a single artist for an entire week.

As if that’s not enough, in anticipation of Lent beginning Wednesday I chose to give up watching Sunday’s Academy Awards. I think all the other major stars who declined the honor of presenting the Oscars were probably doing the same.

Obviously, Kate Winslet’s excuse of being “too nervous” to present and Nicole Kidman’s objection to appearing onstage without the right hairdresser were just humble cover-ups.

Luckily, I will still be able to catch MC Hammer’s new reality show, which doesn’t look like it will air until after Easter. Be on the lookout – you don’t want to miss this. It’s creatively titled “Hammertime.”

Despite the temptations I may face from the alluring offerings of network television, I think I will be able to stick to my guns on this resolution – mainly because I don’t actually have a TV. Plus, everyone knows all the good shows are on the Internet anyway.