Life-saving advice: install your bomb shelter today

You need to install a bomb shelter. That’s right. A bomb shelter.
 
Now, hear me out. This will be crucial for several reasons. First, you will be protected from the vast majority of terrorist attacks. Security officials from both the United States and Europe are warning of a “spectacular” attack during the upcoming presidential transition period. Bombs, anthrax and airplanes – none of these are effective against an underground steel box.

And as a resident of the most terrorist target-rich state in the nation, preparation and awareness are key.

Indiana has 50 percent more identified potential terrorist targets than New York and twice as many as California, clocking in at an impressive 8,591 targets that include attack-luring sites such as Amish County Popcorn. The government’s list also identifies Old MacDonald’s Petting Zoo, the Mule Day Parade and the Sweetwater Flea Market as potential draws for the violently minded.

With targets all around, Hoosiers clearly need adequate protection. That’s why we must turn to private bomb shelters. Not only will your shelter protect you from the imminent attack and threat – you can also use it to hide out until this financial crisis thing blows over. While being in your shelter won’t actually protect your bank account, I would imagine money is much less important in day-to-day life when living on spam and baked beans in a steel cave. Moreover, before going into your shelter I would recommend applying for government aid.

Turns out that the $700 billion Troubled Asset Recovery Program, or TARP, won’t actually be used to buy troubled assets. You might think this sounds like a bait-and-switch and be feeling somewhat ripped off, but hold your horses! This can benefit you; just fill out the downloadable five-page application from the Department of Treasury Web site, and you’ll have your government check in no time. You can use your government money to buy board games and/or mass quantities of alcohol for entertainment purposes while in your shelter.

As far as bomb shelters go, I recommend the model from Corus, a UK-based steel firm. Its buildings are roughly the size of a small house and are constructed from 2-ton steel plates. For approximately $75,000, the shelter will be delivered in six weeks and constructed in 10 hours. 

If you think that living in a bomb shelter for a few years sounds like it would really suck, just realize that not living in the shelter will suck too.

Job loss is at a high, California is on fire, makers of “The Dark Knight” are being sued by the Turkish town of Batman, and so far the latest season of “South Park” has been really disappointing.

But if all else fails, at least do yourself a favor and get a job at Hormel. The food company, which has its hands full struggling to keep up with increasing demands for Spam, is probably one of the last beacons of job security for the next few years.