I kissed a girl once

For my first column of the semester, I am decidedly staying away from the presidential election.

I’m not going to write about Sarah Palin or gender in the election, or why I think Tina Fey is more qualified than Palin after watching “Saturday Night Live” last week. And I’m not even going to talk about why I’m going to move out of the country if Barack Obama doesn’t win.

Instead, I’d like to talk about something much more important, something that I and every other fan of terrible music can understand.

I’d like to discuss Katy Perry’s groundbreaking song, “I Kissed a Girl.” It begs the question: Where would we be as a campus without this revolutionary smash hit?

After doing extensive scholarly research for this column, I discovered that while this song was Perry’s biggest hit, she had one before this called “Ur So Gay” (spelled in awesome instant-message talk so our generation can totally relate).

Some completely naive and crazy liberal critics called this song homophobic, to which Perry responded, “It’s not a negative connotation. It’s not ‘you’re so gay,’ like ‘you’re so lame,’ but the fact of the matter is that this boy should’ve been gay. ... I wasn’t stereotyping anyone in particular, I was talking about ex-boyfriends.”

She’s so right – after every breakup I go through, all I can think about is how metro my ex was and how he was so gay in another lifetime. Thank you for writing what millions of girls couldn’t put into words but were feeling so deeply.

The reason “I Kissed a Girl” doesn’t cover new ground is because in all forms of media lesbianism has been overtly sexualized, namely from a pornographic male standpoint.  
Of course, Perry herself has stated in numerous interviews that she’s not a lesbian and has, in fact, never kissed a girl.   

At the end of the day, she has to be straight. And we’re assured of this in the song because as the chorus mentions, she does have a boyfriend who she hopes won’t mind that notorious kiss. I was getting nervous she was actually expressing a healthy curiosity, but because she still has a boyfriend, we can rest easy because at the end of the night we know she’s going home with her him.  

Phew! So everyone is happy – now we can watch two hot girls making out at a party with a ring of guys around them and know that it’s just because of the taste of their cherry ChapStick.

As the presidential election looms nearer, it’s nice to know that society is really moving toward those liberal views, as evidenced in Perry’s songs that she so controversially and radically dared to put out there. Of course, I’m still waiting to hear “I Kissed A Boy and I Liked It” and watch it become a No. 1 single, but then I have to remember that would just be really inappropriate, and you know, totally gay.

Thankfully, due to social constraints in masculinity, that shouldn’t be happening anytime soon.