Beijing babies

Maybe it was the fact that without meaning to, I opened right to it. Maybe it was the pretty yellow-and-red color scheme in the photo. Maybe it was the word “gymnastics” printed big and bold in the headline, something that brought me back to 1996 and my goal to be Dominique Moceanu when I “grew up” to be 16. Either way, I read the sports page in the paper for the first time this week.

The story, incidentally, was about two competitors on the Chinese Olympic gymnastics team, He Kexin and Jiang Yuyuan, who are both 16 years old – supposedly. Sixteen is the minimum age women need to be in order to compete, but records from their past competitions suggest that these girls might be as young as 14. By this, I mean they most likely are 14.

The article mentioned that younger girls are lighter and naturally less emotionally involved in the competitions, and it is, therefore, an advantage to have them participate.

Damn, China! Calm down! Way to cheat! Regulations are in place for a reason, and little babies like these two practically preteen gymnasts shouldn’t be allowed to compete. They have an unfair advantage, not to mention the fact that they probably shouldn’t be subjected to such intense pressure at such a young age.

That said, how fun would it be if babies could compete in the Olympics? That would be so cute, right?

Maybe instead of judging China for this, ahem, oversight, we should follow their lead.
Just think about it: What if babies replaced the batons in relay races? Not only would that be adorable – because it involves babies – but it would add a lot to a generally boring Olympic event. It would create a sort-of hybrid event that blends regular relay races with those egg tosses at corporate picnics, thus raising the stakes and upping the danger quotient! Not to mention, the Olympics would score the much-sought-after middle-aged balding male advertising bracket.

Equestrian events could also seriously benefit from the participation of babies. In the same way they’re good in gymnastics, putting little babies on top of horses would allow the horses to jump higher and generally be better all-around. Not to mention, babies wouldn’t complain about the stupid outfits because 1) They are unable to express their opinions and 2) It is the job of babies (and kitties) to wear whatever cute outfit their owner forces on them.

Finally, I don’t know what handball is, but I do know that it’s super cute when you stick out your index finger to a baby and they close their whole hand around it. So adorable, right? In conclusion: Babies so need to be incorporated into Olympic handball.

Perhaps China is really on to something here? Or perhaps they are just cheating scumbags who falsify passports in order to gain an unfair advantage and have too many human rights violations to deserve hosting the Olympics anyway? Either way, the world needs more babies.

Right, China?