Water wars

I have spent 20 summers of my life in Indiana and one in Long Island, N.Y. Long Island, for me, was essentially an unpleasant blur of large Italian men in tank tops bragging about flat pizza, and that’s all I care to say about it. Regarding Indiana summers, though, I do have something to say: I’ve never seen weather like this before. \nI don’t consider myself a particularly spiritual person, though I do indulge my mother when she encourages me to sing along to “Little Drummer Boy” with her as we make our way to Target for last-minute Christmas gifts every year. That’s just to be nice, though. I’ve never really believed all that stuff about the birth of baby Jesus and God’s wrath and cream that makes your varicose veins disappear. \nUntil now. \nThese floods are too intense to have come without a reason. Why are they here now? This summer? In Indiana? Well, I’ve got some ideas. \nMy first suspicion is Ohio. Ohio is used to being the darling of the primary elections, and I think it is a definite possibility that some jealousy crept up in their – where do Ohioans hang out? Barber shops? – barber shops this year. So they unleashed floodwaters on us. Well, Ohio, looks like you thwarted your own goals because the floods got us on national news yet again! Booya! \nMy next guess is that Marquette University is behind the flooding, specifically the flooding in Bloomington. I think we all know why and I have just one thing to say to those Marquette flood-makers: Back off! We’ve got Tom Crean now, and he’s never going back to you! Now it’s our turn to win games! Now it’s our turn to make puns substituting his last name for “cream” in “cream and crimson!” Suck it! Now stop the floods please.\nIU’s nondrinking population is my third suspect. Certainly all five of them retreated to their summer homes on Mt. Olympus after classes let out, and from their flood-safe perch decided that in order to punish the rest of us they would concoct the perfect storm: water. “You should be drinking water instead of alcohol, heretics!” they no-doubt shouted over a game of Bridge with Zeus last week. Hm. Interesting concept. But I’d rather get drunk and ride a broken wood plank down the Jordan River than stay sober, and I feel confident that I speak for the entire population of Bloomington when I say that. Even for the little babies. \nAnd finally, my last suspect is this waitress I left a smaller-than-usual tip for a few weeks ago. I had my reasons, and they involved her waiting to tell me until it was far too late that she had no cream cheese for the bagel I ordered. But regardless, if she happens to be a witch who created the floods then I apologize, everybody. But I really wanted that cream cheese. \nOr should I say, “Crean cheese?” Suck it, Marquette!