Turning left

Something’s wrong. I’m not quite sure when or how it happened. Maybe I’ve spent too much time in the newsroom this semester. But somehow I’m changing, becoming more – dare I say it? – liberal.\nFor example, I have this insatiable craving for higher taxes. But not necessarily higher taxes for me – just for everyone who makes more money than I do. It’s not fair that they have so much. And besides, they really can’t be trusted to make responsible decisions with their money, anyway. The experts in the federal government know how to spend their money in a more equitable and socially conscious way.\nIn fact, I don’t trust my fellow Americans with making the right decisions on most issues. That’s why we need more laws and regulations controlling our citizens’ behavior. One thing this country really needs, for example, is a national ban on smoking (except marijuana, of course). I used to naively believe that the primary purpose of government was to protect our individual rights and liberties, but now I understand that most people (especially dumb Americans) just aren’t capable of leading their own lives; that’s why we need the federal government to make decisions for them.\nOf course, I’ll trust the government a lot more when Sen. Barack Obama is president. He’ll lead us into a golden age of hope and change. I don’t know exactly what that means, but it sure sounds exciting. I get the vague idea that it has something to do with all war ending, forever ... our old enemies will suddenly love us ... the sick will be healed ... the country will be united like never before.\nI know that some of you are cynically asking how Obama will be able to unite the country when he can’t even unite his own party. To you, I say: Don’t rob me of my faith. I want to hope. I want to believe. Yes, we can.\nI believe that America’s health system is broken and should be taken over by the federal government. It’s not fair that all Americans don’t have access to the same government-provided care as wounded soldiers at Walter Reed.\nLeonardo DiCaprio influences my thinking about the complexities of global climate systems. When I hear the term “media bias,” I immediately think of FOX News. I think that Rep. Dennis Kucinich has some really good ideas.\nAs a committed college liberal, I’m never happier than when I’m angry about something. It doesn’t matter what I’m angry about – women’s issues, race relations, the environment, corporate greed or just the overall immorality of America – but in order to be perfectly content, I need to be outraged and spreading outrage to others.\nI think the best way to make our cities safer is to take guns out of the hands of law-abiding citizens. I compassionately support the worker’s right to a “living wage,” except for illegal immigrants, who we need to do the low-paying jobs that Americans would never do.\nI’m even thinking of renaming my column from "You Know I'm Right" to "Out In Left Field."\nHappy April Fool’s Day!