Surviving the tank

My eyes slowly open to reveal an unfamiliar room. It’s cold, bright and wet. I see the word “Snakes” carved with seemingly malicious intent on the wall. As I gather my bearings, I realize I am in the fabled “drunk tank” of Bloomington’s City Jail.\nI was at a dress-up party that night, dressed as The Fonz from “Happy Days.” Long story short, in an unprecedented move of idiocy, I decided to give a police officer a fake ID. I was in the back of a squad car quicker than I could put my thumbs up and say “Heyyyyyyyy!”\nWhat happens in this magical place of gradual sobriety? I interviewed some random people on the street. Using no sort of statistical analysis whatsoever, I have determined that at least one of IU’s undergrads thinks, “They strip you down to your underwear and spray you with a fire hose until you’re sober.” Surprisingly, that’s not true. \nSo what is the drunk tank really like? Well, if you can imagine a public restroom without any stalls, then you can imagine the drunk tank. They do strip you down to nothing but your t-shirt and jeans, but then you just sit there, for hours, until your blood alcohol content is under the legal limit.\nWhat should you do if you are faced with this situation? Don’t worry! In five easy-to-remember steps, you can learn how to survive the drunk tank.\n1. Talk to the other drunks. They will tell you interesting stories about how they got arrested. Be sure to stop listening when they inevitably start complaining. They are drunk; they won’t notice.\n2. Do not bang on the Plexiglas window. If you are acting up, they will keep you in the drunk tank longer than you have to be.\n3. Get sober before 6 a.m. If your blood alcohol is below a certain level by then, they’ll feed you breakfast. \n4. Go for high ground. There’s an inexplicable raise in the floor near the side of the wall. Try to get a spot there. You don’t want to be stuck without protection if the toilet overflows.\n5. Stay away from older people. They’re not drunk because they’re in college; they’re drunk because they’re alcoholics. They will not hesitate to kill you. \nI know what you’re thinking: If they take away everything except your shirt and jeans, how did someone carve “Snakes” into the wall? Could somebody have been so desperate to proclaim to the world their love of snakes that they would actually dig their finger nails into the hard concrete? No. As I was dutifully informed by a shifty-looking man at Waffle House who overheard me ask the same question, “They won’t take away any religious artifacts on your person. So if you have a necklace with a cross on it, they’ll let you keep it.” So, if there’s one thing you should take from reading this column, it’s be sure you wear your religious necklaces when you party. Otherwise, you might not be able to carve your favorite animal into the wall of the drunk tank.