To vote or not to vote

Seems to me there’s something important happening today. Class? Nope. Work? Definitely not. French pedicure and bikini wax? No, that was Saturday.\nThat’s right, how could I forget? Today marks our yearly ritual of purposely forgetting to vote. Since it’s been an entire year since you last avoided the polls, it’s understandable that you, like me, would have trouble remembering to do your civic duty and refrain from voting for no good reason other than pure sloth. \nTake, for example, the following conversation with my roommate which took place last election day:\nMe: Hey, did you know we can vote for politicians who don’t care about us?\nRoommate: Really? Let’s go!\nMe: Hold on. Anderson Cooper’s show is on CNN. He’s a dreamboat.\nRoommate: You’re right. Now what were we talking about?\nMe: I don’t know.\nSad, truly and utterly sad, not because of our indifference toward voting, but rather because the cable went out a minute later and deprived us of Anderson. \nThis all brings up several good points. First, I have an unhealthy fascination with cable news personalities, which unfortunately includes Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity. Perhaps professional intervention is needed. \nThe second point, however, is a little more applicable to the current discussion. While the populous is often accused of political apathy, perhaps it’s time to start blaming the candidates for our refusal to show up at the polls.\nFor instance, today, Bloomington residents have the opportunity to cast votes for one boring white guy or another more boring white guy in a mayoral race, which elicits as much excitement as Bob Barker without Viagra. \nThat’s why if poll workers want to keep their jobs…er…volunteer hours, something needs to happen to spice up campaigns in this country, and it all starts here at home. After all, as former Speaker of the House Tip O’Neill so brilliantly pointed out: all politics is local and Anderson Cooper is a cool dude (see, it’s not just me). \nTherefore, to do my part as a concerned citizen, and to stroke my rapidly ballooning ego, I am announcing my candidacy for mayor of Bloomington. Unlike the two previously mentioned boring white guys, I am an exciting white guy. I’ll campaign based on facts, not trivial and kitschy issues. For example:\nFact 1: Bloomington has too many people. My conservative estimate puts the population somewhere between 50,000 and 2,000,000 residents. Let’s incorporate a new city and make all the people I don’t like go there. \nFact 2: Poverty and unemployment are big problems here. The gap between the rich and poor is substantial and harmful. That’s why I propose taking away all money and jobs, thus making everyone poor and unemployed, except the mayor, of course. \nMake haste to the polls, citizens. Now that new and invigorating life has been injected into the dullness of politics, you must do your duty and vote for me. Go now, or at least right after Anderson Cooper.