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Friday, March 29
The Indiana Daily Student

Goldblum to the rescue

A recent article from the satirical news publication The Onion poked fun at one of the critical issues facing our country: housing troops in the homes of private citizens. Think it’s a moot point? Think the concept is absurd? It is.\nFor those of you who slept through undergraduate American politics (which I’ll assume is everyone but Wolf Blitzer and me), the article is a play on the Third Amendment to the U.S. Constitution.\nThe fact is, several of the issues contained in the Bill of Rights (the first 10 amendments, you uninformed slackers!) are practically null today. Take, for example, that poppycock from the First Amendment concerning freedom of religion, speech, peaceful assembly and press. Reason shows us that there is no usable application for such freedoms today. (SCREW THE PRESIDENT!) Honestly, does the Constitution need to protect the far-left press? (OUT OF IRAQ NOW!) I think not.\nMost citizens, casual political observers and even respected historians don’t know that the original Bill of Rights contained many more amendments, all of which would have little to no saliency today. Here’s a sampling:\n• John Adams, recognizing his inferiority in the craft of brewing, shall forfeit all ale-making equipment to his far more able relative, Samuel. Further, it shall be remembered that Sam is a way cooler drunk than John.\n• The federal government shall make no law regarding the establishment of a national beer, unless that beer be bottled with a frosty blue liner in the crisp mountain air of the Colorado Rockies.\nQuite the waste of time. Good thing that Colorado beer thing never happened. The product would likely be absolute trash.\nUsing this same line of reasoning, it’s hard not to speculate about constitutional amendments made in the modern era. Let’s assume, for argument’s sake, the movie “Independence Day” actually happens. As you’ll remember, the plot has aliens come to earth and destroy most major cities on the planet. It also portrays actor Jeff Goldblum as one of the world’s saviors. Wholly impossible? Probably, but humor me for a second. (Well, maybe not on the Goldblum thing.)\nAs a result of the attack, the Constitution is destroyed, our entire government and society in shambles. The few surviving policy makers must fashion a new way of governing, assuring the country can rebuild and unite once again. Safe in their bunker deep within the Rocky Mountains, the president, vice president and a handful of surviving Senators from the South, draft a new Constitution. Much like the original document, the first three articles outline the powers of the three branches of government. Then the idea arises to include a very necessary amendment, that which would forever ensure domestic tranquility. Therefore, the group decides on the following:\n• Marriage in the United States shall consist only of the union of a man and a woman.\nDon’t think such a matter would ever make its way into the Constitution? Remembering our forefathers’ precedent for absurd amendments, the new one doesn’t seem too implausible.\nThat’s scarier than Jeff Goldblum saving the world.

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